Tag Archive | emotions

Let’s Get Lyrical

This is sort of an extra post as I have time on my hands and somewhat off my usual topics.

As I have said in previous posts, occasionally I write song lyrics. lPart of a song, often just a couple of lines will come to me and play in my head, and from there it may grow into a full verse or chorus I have to write down and then add the rest of the lyrics from there. It is therapeutic for me, as a way of expressing my feelings, often during times I feel more vulnerable and emotional, so it is not always an easy choice to share my lyrics. However I do find it somewhat cathartic to put my lyrics out there and I find the responses to them can be interesting. Having now written several more songs I thought I would share some lyrics again.

Don’t
(I hear this song as having a somewhat Euro dance beat for the verses with a slower chorus)

Don’t tell me you love me, then leave me
Don’t tell me you need me, then walk out the door
It’s not fair on my heart
Just be honest right from the start
Let me know where I stand

(Chorus)
I don’t think my heart could take another break
There’s pieces scattered around
In varies places, in varies towns
If you can’t follow through
Please don’t day it at all

Don’t tell me I’ll meet someone new
Don’t tell me that I will move on
It don’t help me right now
Just get out from inside my head
Let me be loved for real

(Chorus)
(Bridge)
I don’t want another brief affair
Every time one of them leaves another bit of me dies
There’s not enough left to spare
(Chorus)

Pretend
(This song seems to suit a slow, almost melancholy tune)

Life it’s all just pretend
Love it’s all just pretend
But together we can make it
Bearable

So come and pretend with me
So come and keep each other company
maybe we can fake it till it’s
Real

(Chorus)
Is it really easier on your own?
You don’t have to spend your life alone
I know you’re lonely just like me
I refuse to give in so easily

Life it’s all just a game
Love it’s all just a game
But maybe we can play the game
Together

So what will you do
When you find yourself
Old and alone?

(Chorus)

Unreality
(Another fairly slow tune, but with a slightly more upbeat, hopeful sound to it)

(Chorus)
I’m living in my dreams
‘Cause nothings what it seems
I’m lost in fantasy
It’s an unreality

As I fall asleep at night
I hold you nice and tight
You say everything’s alright
You’ll keep me close tonight

We have our future planned
Together hand in hand
As we’re lying in my bed
But it’s all inside my head

(Bridge)
In the light of day
You always fade away
(Chorus)

Once our love was real
But you no longer feel
anything
But I still dream
I still dream

(Bridge)
(Chorus)

Lost in fantasy, unreality

Floating
Can’t you see what’s going on?
Can’t you see?
That I’m lost all alone
And reaching out for you

Can’t you hear what’s going on?
Can’t you hear?
When I cry out in the night
And it’s your name I call

(Chorus)
I feel like I’m floating away
Floating out to sea
Drifting from everything that is me
Watching reality pass me by

Can’t you feel what I feel?
Do you care?
Though you feel me standing near
You don’t respond to me

(Chorus)

Can’t you see what’s going on?

I Don’t Believe
(An angry rock song, sung loud)

(Chorus)
I don’t believe in any kind of god
I don’t believe in aliens from out of space
I don’t believe in ghosts and haunted rooms
But most of all I don’t believe in you or us any more
I don’t believe in anything, except rock and roll and alcohol

You just said what I wanted to hear
You knew the game you played from the start
I may have fallen for it then
But I’m not falling for it now

You had your kicks and you had your fun
You made sure you were number one
Well your number is up now
I’m making sure your out the door

(Chorus)

So make sure the music is heavy and loud
Pass us that beer, I wanna drink to oblivion

(Chorus)

I have no faith any more
There’s a Human Waiting in the Dark
(This song was written during a time when their was a lot of campaigns to save the environment and a lot of anger directed at the current political system and capitalism)

There’s a human waiting in the dark
He’s a rather precious thing
You should treat him with your heart
But all that you can see in the money that you’ll bleed
Don’t you know your going to kill him
Kill him with your greed

(Chorus)
It’s too late to say you care
Just saying you’ll be there
It’s too late for words and talk
Can’t you see it’s action that we need
If we are to survive
Instead of all just die

There’s a future waiting in the dark
It’s a really fragile thing
You should think about it more
But all that you can see is your immediate need
Don’t you know your gonna’ kill it
Kill it for us all

(Chorus)

Why?

You are amazing
You are incredible
Everything I ever wanted in a man
But you are frustrating
You drive me crazy

(Chorus)
Why can’t I be with you?
Why can’t I have you by my side?
Looking on from a distance gets to be so hard
After a while
I keep seeing what I’m missing
Why can’t I be part of your life?

You are exciting
You are exhausting
To think about everyday
Knowing you are out there
This drive me insane

(Chorus)

I know your having fun without me
This makes me feel I was good enough
I don’t care what you say
I can’t help, but feel this way

(Chorus)

We Are Fools

We are young
Young enough to start again
But not so young I don’t feel a fool
For ending up here once more
So soon after the last

(Chorus)
We are fo-o-ls
For falling ourselves
That this could be the one
We are fools for falling in love
And I did it again

We are old
Old enough to know the score
Because the writings on the wall
There’s no way that thing can last
As we’re on different paths

(Chorus)
(Bridge)
Why can’t I be alone
Why am I always searching for the one
It just messes with my mind
Every single time it goes wrong

(Chorus)

We are fools for falling in love
And I am the biggest fool of them all

Job Seekers Allowance and Mental Health

As you might already know from previous posts, I have been suffering with mental health issues most of my life.  Whilst I was at university I managed to get a lot of my mental health issues under control to a certain extent, yes they were clearly still there, but they were not as bad as they had been.  However since graduation and moving back home I have spent the vast majority of that time being unemployed and on job seekers allowance benefit.  Gradually I have found my mental problems getting worse again.  Partly this is due to living back at home with my parents after having got used to my independence at university, but the main factor is the ongoing unemployment.  Months and months of ongoing rejection from employers is going to get most people at least somewhat down.  Knowing that I am trying my hardest at every application form or cover letter I send and am being the best that I can be at interviews, but never get the job starts to make you doubt your self-worth as a person.  Right now however the thing most effecting my mental well-being is job seekers allowance.

I have anxiety issues, which are flaring up.  It is the not knowing from one day to the next what I will be doing.  This time next week I could have a job (although at this rate I doubt it), but also I keep getting sent to various places by the job centre.  Sometimes I get sent on courses, and recently I was sent on mandatory work activity.  This makes it hard to make any plans in advance.  For example do I agree to help look after my nephew next week so my sister-in-law can do work or not.

Mandatory work activity is when you have to go and do a community work placement to earn your job seekers, although they dress it up as work experience for your CV.  In reality this usually amounts to working in a charity shop for four weeks.  If you have no work experience on your CV at all, I can see this as being quite helpful, but I already have experience, including volunteer work in a charity shop.  Then there is the issue that you can’t just go and work in any charity shop, it has to be one that is signed up to the work placement scheme that you are placed with by the company who do this on behalf of the job centre.  Not that many charities are signed up to the scheme and quite a few charity shops have dropped out due to bad publicity for taking part in it or realising what they were taking on was basically forced volunteers.  Some places found that the client gets no say as to which charity they work for, so they could end up working for a cause they do not even believe in or care about.  My placement ended up going wrong when after two days the manager of the shop had to admit she already had too many willing volunteers and not enough work for us all.  They tried to place me elsewhere, but that proved tricky due to the lack of shops left in the scheme, so I had to wait each day not knowing when or if they would place me again.  Then the next placement went wrong when they had too many of us starting at once and I decided to open my big mouth about how I was feeling towards the scheme.  I have always had issues with speaking my mind too freely, whether this is due to my high functioning autism or not I do not know.  I felt like I had done well to only say what I did and knew I could have said much worse, but the woman in charge did not see it that way and I was told the company would no longer be placing me on any work activity, so in effect I was banned from mandatory work activity.  I was told the job centre would be informed of what happened and I could be sanctioned.  I then had to wait the whole weekend till I signed on to find out if they would cut off my only source of income for up to thirteen weeks or not.  Not only did I feel very anxious, but I felt totally depressed about it.  Like once again society had rejected me and now I could just have messed up my entire life.  I have anger issues which were surfacing again and I started to take out my frustration and anxiety on my parents who I live with.  I was yelling at them for silly minor things that did not matter and I was blaming then for things they had no control over.  I spent a whole day crying, sleeping and doing very little, mostly in my bedroom feeling utterly dejected.  I hated not knowing if I was going to get paid my next fortnight job seekers or not, I hated knowing I could get the blame from my advisor.  I had tried to do my first work placement and turned up to the second one.  I had done every other thing the job centre had sent me on or asked me to do and would be quite annoyed after all that to have my money stopped.  I worried that I might even regress further and end up having one of my full on temper blow-outs like I used to have, at the job centre advisor who informed me about a sanction.  They did not end up sanctioning me yet at least, but I am still not sure if they will later when my file is updated.

I have spent so much time in the last two years worrying about what the job centre will say when I have not applied for many jobs that fortnight or when I have had an interview and yet again failed to get the job.  I know that I tried to find work to apply for, but there simply was not any work I could do, however job centre staff still make me feel like it was my fault.  I then go away and feel like maybe it is my fault.  I hate being depressed on and off like this as I do not know when it will resurface next and I feel like giving up trying.  Job seekers allowance has made me feel like I have lost control somewhat over my own life and now I feel like it is stealing my control over my own emotions at times.  I do not want to feel angry or depressed every two weeks after sign on or an appointment with my advisor.  I do not want to be anxious about it.  I would just like to feel in total control of myself again.