Lyrical

When I am struggling with emotions and feelings writing helps me sometimes.  I find writing lyrics can be helpful, especially when confused or heartbroken or sad.  It can help me to get my anger or sadness out in a safe way.   It helps me to explore my feelings towards someone or something.  I cannot go and yell at the guy in person in a lot of cases, so this helps.

I enjoy writing in various song styles and genres.  A lot of the time my songs end up coming out in ‘Goth emo’ style, but not always.  I am a huge The Rasmus fan, which is what a lot of my songs end up being a bit like, but some also turn out more like Train or other things.  I wish I could write music and put the tunes down on paper, although I do not actually think the tunes I have in my head are very good most of the time anyway.  Someone else can write the tunes one day if they wish.

I write lyrics for myself about very personal things, they are not written to be taken seriously as hit songs; they are just to help me.  I thought I would share a few of my songs though just to help explain myself a bit better to people and also I love to share what I have been writing whatever type of thing it is.

A lot of my songs are about love and relationships, like most songs seem to be.  These next ones are about my last long term relationship ending.

Silence of the Ghost

You don’t have a master plan

If you wake up tomorrow

You think you’ve won the game

You don’t see a future

You’re living day to day

 

I need something solid

That I can build upon

But you have no foundation

You’re crumbling to the ground

‘Cause you’re afraid of life

 

(Chorus)

So now you’ve gone and ghosted me

And just left me with memories

What am I supposed to do?

I have no way to get through to you

 

You don’t even know

What you’ve left behind

Do you know how much you hurt me?

Do you even care?

Or are you lost inside your mind?

 

(Bridge)

You’re a ghost and you haunt me

Bet you think you set me free

But you’re a ghost and you haunt me

(Chorus)

That’s what scares me most

It’s the silence of the ghost

It’s the silence of the ghost

 

Dreams/ Reality

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

But you don’t see

See the bigger picture

See the picture of me

Standing right before you

But you don’t see

 

I’m not what you need

You need someone who is ripped at the seams

Someone who has no dreams

But baby that’s not me

I want to have a life

Maybe be someone’s wife

 

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

This is something I’m learning

But I refuse to give up on my dreams

So I’m giving up on you

Then maybe I will see a new reality

 

Thief

You said all the things that I wanted to here

That I’m loved and you’ll keep me near

Was it truth, was it lies?

Was it part of your plan?

As you committed your crime

 

(Chorus)

You became a thief of the night

You stole my life

My heart, my soul are in your possession now

When you walked away

You took everything I need

I am no longer me

 

I can’t ask for them back

Since you went on the run

I can’t ask for the truth

You’re in hiding now

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

 

I would say let the punishment fit the crime

But I think you’re already broken inside

Just like you did to me

Now I’m broken too

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

 

This next song is about when you are finally starting to move on from a painful break up.  It is much more hard rock than the other and the words in capitals are supposed to be almost shouted.

Break Down

I came back today

Back from time away

But it weren’t no holiday

It was a mental break

DOWN!

 

Although I never left my own bed

I wasn’t there inside my head

I was going out my mind

Thoughts were dragging me

DOWN!

 

I have no one to blame

I drive myself insane

Living inside the pain

The pain that come from having known

YOU!

 

Today I finally felt OK

I woke up and got out of bed

Decided to get out of my head

Now I’m living just for me

FUCK YOU!

 

This song has parts about several men I have met along the way, but is mostly about one specific person.

 

Over You

You told me you needed someone

But after you had your fun

You said you’re too broken inside

To take any-more

Well I’ve been broken since the day I was born

I’m totally twisted and torn

But that don’t mean I want to be alone

So don’t you dare use that excuse

 

Why can’t you just tell me the truth?

(Chorus)

 

I know I’m supposed to hate you

But you know I don’t

If I did it would make it easier

For me to move on

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

 

I think I knew from the start

But I’m slightly insane

So I played along with your game

Hoping to make it real

 

It still hit me like a hammer when you left

I should have seen it coming

But it’s hard when you want it so bad

Now I feel like the guilty one

But that really should be you

(Chorus)

 

There’s a deep emotion I get when I think of you

I both hate it and love it

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

(Chorus)

 

This song has nothing to do with love and is about my mental health, partly my OCD.

 

My Darkest Sin

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It comes from within

I try to fight it

But I have to give in

So I end up committing my darkest sin

 

(Chorus)

Sin, sin, sin, what do I win

When I commit my darkest sin

I win silence from the voices inside my head

I win back the silence of the night

The silence of the night

 

There’s a confusion surrounds me

I don’t know what is right

I try to be part of this world

But it’s always a battle

Against my own sin

 

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

I am only human

I will often fail

I can’t live up to what is always expected from me

 

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It’s dragging me down

(chorus)

 

This song was written when I was feeling very low and lonely.

The Lie

You gotta’ try, try, try everyday

Even though you want to die, die, die in so many ways

You got to pretend that you are OK

Don’t let them see your vulnerability

Or they’ll take advantage one of these days

 

(Chorus)

I feel numb, numb, numb, nothing inside

There’s a void inside where the love should be

I try to fill it, but it feels an impossibility

I can’t seem to find what I need

I come close, but it’s not meant to be

 

You gotta’ lie, lie, lie everyday

That you don’t wanna cry, cry, cry is so many ways

You make out you cope on your own

There’s no way they’d understand at all

 

(Chorus) 

(Bridge)

You ask yourself why, why, why it happened again

You gave it your all, but it wasn’t enough

Still you must try, try, try

 

(Chorus)

 

If others can fake it so can you

But for how long can this go on?

 

 

This last song is about trying to fit in and being true to myself.

Being Me

I have tried everyday

I have tried to be regular, normal

Gave it my best, gave it my all

But eventually I had to fall

They all rejected me

 

(Chorus)

I can’t be something I’m not

So I’m going to give it a shot

At being who I truly am

Without no massive plan

I am being me

 

I have finally found

What I want to be

But I think I left it too late

I’m way past the starting gate

They just locked all the doors to my youth

 

(Chorus)

 

I refuse to give in

I will finally win

I will find a way

To make tomorrow my day

I don’t care what they say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Party Season

A short mini blog, a song that I have been working on in my head this week for the Christmas season

(To the tune of O0m-pah-pah from Oliver)

‘Tis the party season
Or so they always tell us
But where are all these parties
I’m blowed if I know

I bet it’s all some media invention
Of some advertisement
To get us all to buy posh frocks
We’ll never wear
I’m not invited to Christmas parties it’s true
But so is no one else that I know

The only parties I can think of
Are the Christmas work dos
And no one really likes them
Even if they say that they do

They are social nightmares
No one knows what to say
Then things get very awkward
At work the next day

I’m not invited to Christmas parties it’s true
But so is no one else that I know

I bet there’s some in London
For the swanky people
Where the plebs are not invited
It’s out of our league

They get it all done for them
By a party planner
With fancy decorations
In some matching theme

I’m not invited to Christmas parties it’s true
But so is no one else that I know

I’ve still got presents to wrap
And cards I’ve not yet written
I’ve got to buy a turkey
And put up a tree

So you can keep your Christmas parties
With the extra hassle
Ordinary people
Just don’t have the time

Writing lyrics for therapy

In my last blog post I wrote about the songs which have affected me and helped me in some way with my emotions and feelings. This time I decided to share some of my own lyrics that I write. I find writing lyrics sometimes gives me a somewhat cathartic feeling, helping me to release my emotions. As I can’t write music you may like to think of these more as poems, although sometimes I do have a kind of tune going on in my head. I have been thinking about sharing my lyrics for a while now, but they have some very personal thoughts and feelings in them that I was not sure I was ready to share before. However I now feel that I am able to share them as I have got used to sharing so much with people in my blog.  I am not saying they are very good lyrics, but they do show how I sometimes feel and explain my mood swings somewhat maybe.

Feeling and Thinking (I see this as a sort of Scandinavian style Emo song)
I’m feeling very, very strange
But for me this is kind of normal
I’m feeling like a part of me just died
But I don’t think I’ve been fully alive for a long, long time

I am totally crazy
Or is this just a crazy world, where everybody feels insane?
I mean what is the definition of normal?
You left without explanation
You left me once again
I only asked for a reason
But I only got silent confusion

I’m feeling very, very sad
But for me this is kind of normal
I’m feeling like I should be glad
But I don’t think I’ve been fully happy
For a long, long time

I’m way over thinking
Every little thing that I do
I even think about thinking
I wish I knew what to do
It’s driving me MAD!

I’m feeling somewhat frightened

Depression (A fairly slow song, sung to a melancholy tune that sort of plods along in a heavy way much like depression)

I only have to think of you and I know I’m going to be sad
I know the feeling is going to take over for a while
I will lie there and play out everything we did in my mind
Then imagine the scenes that never even happened, happened to us
You become my fantasy man

The light is slowly fading away
The walls of the tunnel are closing in around me
I only wanted someone to guide me through the darkness
To hold my hand and show me the way
The walks of the tunnel are closing in around me

I live in my dream of what could be
In my dream it does not hurt as you don’t leave
I become what I can’t be
However I can’t quite escape reality
I will never be free

Where Do I Go From Here (A rock song with a somewhat angry guitar sound)

Please don’t go
Say It isn’t so
Say it’s something we can work on together
Close your eyes
Imagine us without each other
I can’t, can you?

Too late, you said goodbye
Where do I go from here?
Do I pick myself up?
Dust myself down?
And wait for another you?
Or do you think I’m better off alone?

One day
I might get my forever after
But right now
I must learn to deal with this
Just me
Right here on my own

You’re Messing with My Mind (this is a kind of Imelda May rockabilly style song with a heavy double bass sound)

You’re messing with my mind
You’re messing with my brain
You’re driving me totally insane
You ‘aren’t good for me
No, no, no
You bring out my bad side

You drink and you smoke
You like a good toak
You see this all as some great big joke
You ‘aren’t good for me
No, no, no
You bring out my crazy side

You got me feeling so confused
One minute you’re as nice as pie
Then next you are a nasty guy
What am I supposed to do?
I think I am in love with you

I’m messing with my heart
I do it all the time
I fall in love so fast
There’s no way it can last
No, no, no
I bring out my dumb side

Music and Me

“I think music in itself is healing.
It’s an explosive expression of humanity.
It’s something we are all touched by.
Everyone loves music.”
~ Billy Joel ~
Music seems to be one of the few things that people can agree on as being a good thing. Not everyone has the same taste in music, but most people seem to tolerate other music tastes and styles far more readily than they would other things. How many wars are started over music? None that I can think of (feel free to correct me if you think of one). Yes a few riots may have started such as Mods and Rockers and Punks, but that was more over the culture around the music, not the music itself. This is one of the reasons I think music is very important, it brings people together. It gives people an outlet to express how they are feeling in a safe way.
Music has always been an important part of my life ever since I can remember. When I struggled at school to make friends music was something I understood and could be a part of. It has helped me to join in conversations and make friends. I have often struggled with my emotions, but music has helped me to understand myself somewhat better with the ideas and feelings expressed in songs.
These are some of my favourite songs which help me when struggling with my mental health or during difficult times.
Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood- Nina Simone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ckv6-yhnIY For me it has to be the Nina version as she sings it with such emotion
I have always felt this song could be about me and my mood swings.
‘Ya know sometimes baby I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
And then sometimes it seems again that all I have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side

But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood’
When depressed I can have mood swings, where my mood can change very quickly. I can go from carefree and over the top happy to very down and worried about everything in the space of only a few minutes. I can get very angry at times and take my anger out on those around me including those I love. I do not mean to take it out on others and hope that they understand that I am just struggling with how I feel.
Ten Black Roses- The Rasmus 

The song sums up depression well for me.
‘Life is like a boat in the bottle
Try to sail, you can’t with no air
Day by day it only gets harder
Try to scream but nobody cares
Through the glass you see the same faces
Hear the voices play fade a drum
When your life’s a boat in a bottle
You’re surrounded, drifting alone’
Depression can feel for me like being trapped behind glass, stuck in the same place day after day. Like I am getting nowhere fast sometimes. I try to talk to people about things, but it can feel like nobody cares with the same people just ignoring my cries for help. No matter how many people I have around me when depressed I feel very alone.

Don’t Let Me Get Me- Pink

This song sums up how I feel about myself sometimes when having a bad time.

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Sometimes I know I am not helping myself, but I can’t seem to stop sabotaging my own life. It can feel like my own mind is against me. I annoy myself with my OCD a lot.
Something Beautiful- Robbie Williams
When yet again single I find this song seems to understand how I feel.
If you can’t wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you’re lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can’t control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won’t leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won’t be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something beautiful will come your way
I have spent time feeling very low about being single and worrying I will never find that special someone. I am not so good at going to bed when alone as my OCD and anxiety can be worse then, so when I eventually do get to sleep, I can struggle to get up in the morning. Trying to find that love that won’t leave me has led me to spend many a wasted hour of my life.
Cab- Train

How heartbreak felt for me when my first love left me and how it has felt somewhat since.
This new rhythm I pursue
Is just my getting over you
Telling myself that I need to

The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I’m the only cab on the road
This is about trying to distract yourself from the feelings of heartbreak and loneliness. I took on new volunteer jobs partly to give myself something to get up for each day and help me get over the past. It helped me with the day times to be busy and out of the house, but the nights were the hardest for me. It took me a long time to not feel sad or lonely at night about things. Sometimes you feel like you are the only person who ever felt that way, even though you know you are not really.
Not Like the Other Girls- The Rasmus
I have often felt very different to other girls, especially when I was at school and always dreamed of a man who would rescue me and take the pain away.
She’s fading away, away from this world.
Drifting like a feather, she’s not like the other girls.
She lives in the clouds and talks to the birds.
Hopeless little one she’s not like the other girls I know.
I have often retreated to my own world inside my head that I know is not real. I have been known to talk to birds, flowers, all kinds of non-human things as I can then have a conversation that goes the way I expect and not freak me out by going in a direction I never expected. (Although I have got better over the years at real conversation and did this more as a child and young adult.)
No more blame, I am destined to keep you sane.
The guy is going to look after her and make things better. He understands her issues. I always hoped a man would understand and try to help me. If only I could find the right man my problems would not be so bad. This is kind of my Gothic fantasy song about the perfect love for my messed up mind.
Somethings Coming- West Side Story
A song that gives me hope that things are going to change for the better soon. From one of my favourite musical films.
Could it be? Yes, it could
Something’s coming, something good if I can wait
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is
But it is gonna be great
I just have to wait a bit longer and something good will happen to me. Patience has never been a strong point of mine, but it reminds me that waiting can be worth it.
He/ She Danced With Me- The Slipper and the Rose
Another fantasy song about love. As a child I adored this song, I mean what girl does not want to be a princess for at least a day?
Though this lovely night was only a fantasy
And I know tonight is all there will ever be
Dancing in his arms forever
My heart will never be free!
Dreaming of the night he danced with me

Most Perfect loves are only a dream or fantasy which this song sums up well. You never truly have a free heart once you have had that first love, even if you do fall in love again. This song and the film it comes from helps me to escape reality for a while and have my dream.

Parachute- Train
My favourite pop/ rock love song.

when the world gets sharp and tries to cut you down to size
and makes you feel like giving in
oh, I will stay, I will rain, I will wash the words and pain away
and I will chase away the way we push
the way we pull
you’re beautiful

I’ll open up and be your parachute
and I’ll never let you down
so open up and be my human angel
and we’ll only hit the ground
running

I like the sentiment of this song, how he will never let her down and always be there for her no matter what. It helps me feel like there is that someone out there for me who will wash away the pain and help me to feel beautiful again.

Gabriel’s Oboe- Marricone

This is one of the most beautiful tunes I have ever heard. There are no lyrics for it being a classical tune written as the main theme for the film The Mission. I had not seen the film the first few times I heard this tune, but it did not matter as the music is so moving by itself. I find the tune both sad and uplifting at the same time. The part with the choir sounds like ascending into another world, a fantasy world perhaps or maybe the heavens.