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AARGH!

Autistic Meltdowns

I suddenly start to yell at the people around me, getting increasingly loud.  I yell abuse, threats and swear.  I stamp my feet, bash the table and cry, sobbing loudly.  I look like a toddler having a tantrum, except that I am a full grown adult.

A tantrum is voluntary, used as a tool to manipulate and get your own way.  However I have no control at this point, there is no planned purpose or manipulation intended.  My emotions are at over load and crashing down like an avalanche.  I am having an autistic meltdown.

This describes my meltdowns at their worst, when I totally loose it.  Not all my meltdowns are at that level.  They vary in intensity and in how long they last.

What causes me to have a meltdown is not always easy to pinpoint.  It can be caused by a sudden change in plans or lack of knowing what the plans are.  If plans are made and I am expected to be part of those plans, but I am not informed in exact detail as to what those plans are in advance, it can cause me to get confused and upset.  Any kind of confusing situation can cause a meltdown if it continues being confusing for a significant length of time.  Frustrating situations such as people continuously not listening to me or things going wrong a lot can be a trigger.  Another trigger can be interrupting one of my OCD routines, when I am already somewhat stressed.  Fatigue can be a cause, when I am too tired to control myself any more.  Major disappointment has been a trigger in the past.  Sometimes a meltdown can be me having made such an effort to fit into a situation for hours that I eventually explode.  I will have kept back opinions, been polite to people who frustrate me and basically have been in a situation I find difficult for so long that in the end a meltdown is like a cathartic release.  Putting pressure on me to do something I have clearly already said no to is a big trigger and can cause me to feel like you do not respect me, no means no!

Often a meltdown may not be caused by one specific thing, but by a series of things that can build up over time.  It can take hours or days for the triggers to build up sometimes and one last thing can be the final straw.  I can sometimes work out why I had a meltdown afterwards, but often struggle to know at the time and sometimes never figure it out.  Asking me at the time why I am having a meltdown is not a good idea, often it just makes my meltdown worse, making me frustrated that I do not know why I am having it.

Sometimes I can feel myself getting increasingly annoyed and know I need to get away from the situation.  If I need to leave a room or walk away let me, it will be better for everyone.  However I can’t always feel it coming and it will happen like it or not. 

When I was younger I had more frequent meltdowns that often lasted longer than they do now.  I had them a lot as a teenager in school.  I think I was frustrated with life then, feeling trapped in a school that did not really meet my needs.  Being undiagnosed I was not getting the right support.     Also I am sure puberty played a part.

I still have meltdowns, but less often than I used to.  I feel maturity has helped a lot having had time for my hormones to settle down and time for me to get used to life as an adult.  I also feel my independence has helped me.  Since l got my own flat I feel more stable and able to manage my own life.  I am in charge of what do and when, making me less confused and frustrated.  I am also better at dealing with certain kinds of stressful situations.

When I do have a meltdown now I find I they do not last as long as they used to.  I can calm myself down more quickly and rationalise with myself somewhat about the situation.  Being angry at people who can do nothing to help is daft and will not get me anywhere.

Yoga breathing can help slightly to prevent a meltdown getting worse, but it depends on the exact situation.  It helps me to focus my mind on the breathing and think calmer thoughts. 

I hate that I still have meltdowns at all.  It makes me come across as immature and selfish.  It gives the wrong impression about me to other people, like I am just some angry, hate filled bitch.  Telling me to grow up or to stop being so over sensitive is unhelpful, if I could totally stop having meltdowns I would.

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Phrases that almost always annoy me in some way

Reading Facebook comments I started to notice there are several phrases that almost always manage to get on my nervous and make me feel like that person is either a moron or not very nice.  I started to think about other expressions I also really dislike and why I do not like them so much.  This is what I came up with.

Cheer up love, it might never happen

What if ‘it’ already did happen?  What if that is my normal expression?  This phrase is often said to women by men, the kind of men who expect women to be smiley and bubbly all the time, which is almost impossible to be constantly.  My thinking face often gets this comment by total strangers passing me in the street, which I think is actually quite rude.  They do not know me or what I am going through at that moment.

Man up

To show emotions or feelings as a man is often seen as week or unmanly, but that is just a stereotype and it in no way makes you less of a man.   As a woman I find it more attractive when a man is able to show some emotions, it makes them not seems just cold, but whole and human.  Stereotyping men as always strong and tough means a lot of men do not admit when they need help and they can end up in serious situations with their mental health.

Just get over it

You cannot tell someone to just stop their own feelings.  To say it to someone can make them feel unheard and trivialised, as if you are dismissing how they feel.  It can make someone sound selfish and uncaring.  This is especially true in regards to mental health, a clinically depressed person cannot just get over it and I cannot just get over my OCD rituals that easily. 

I’m a bit OCD

OCD is not just being neat and arranging your music collection in alphabetical order, it is a serious mental health condition that can cause someone a great deal of stress and affect their ability to live their everyday life as they would wish.  You cannot be just a little bit OCD, you either meet the criteria to be diagnosed with it by a mental health professional or you do not.  The use of this phrase trivialises OCD and can prevent those really suffering from seeking help.

But you don’t look disabled

Some people seem to assume disabled people all use wheelchairs or at least some kind of walking aid and when they do not, act surprised when someone tells them they are disabled.  If someone considers their condition disables them, they are disabled, even if that condition does not require a walking aid.  Some people use this phrase when someone uses a disabled parking badge or disabled toilet but does not conform to their stereotype of disabled.  It is no one’s business why someone uses these facilities and people should not judge on appearances alone. 

What do you do?

In other words, how do you earn a living?  This can be an awkward question when you live on benefits and have not had paying work in some years.  When I tell people I sometimes get the rude eye role of ‘oh, you are one those lazy people who sponge off society’ or sometimes they just assume it must be because I am special needs, which, while that might sort of be partly true, they then often get rather patronising.  When some people ask I do not mind so much, but when someone I have only just met asks me or someone who really does not need to know, I can find it rather annoying.  It can help to say I volunteer, although some people do not respect volunteering and think it is an excuse to stay on benefits and not do ‘proper’ work.   

Young people today show no respect

This is a stupid expression since all age groups have some disrespectful people among them.  I have   seen elderly people disrespect the young just as much as I have seen the young disrespect them.  In fact even this expression is disrespectful as it makes out all the young are the same.  Respect is a two way street, are the elderly respecting the young in the first place? 

Special snowflakes

Young people often get called snowflakes now whenever they challenge an older person’s point of view or bring them up on their offensive behaviour such as racist jokes or use of derogatory expressions.  A special snowflake is used to describe a millennial that is seen as over sensitive, thinking the world revolves around them and that just moan about everything, but do not really care.  The current issue they are moaning about will not last; it will melt away and be replaced by a new one like a snowflake.  This is used to dismiss any younger person’s point of view by some and does not help a generation of young people already struggling to find their place in the world.  As Shelly Haslam-Ormerod says in online magazine The Conversation, ‘flippant stereotyping of a generation as weak based on their mental well-being contradicts efforts to reduce mental health stigma’.  As a millennial myself I find the term not only offensive, but used as a lazy argument or when an older person has clearly got no other defense for what they have said or done.

That’s so gay

Younger people often seem to use this expression now to mean something is bad, rubbish or stupid.  I am not sure how this came about, but it makes me uncomfortable.  It gives the word gay negative associations and I am sure the gay community does not need more negativity.       

Charity begins at home

Look after your own family and direct circle first, or in other words unless I have to come into direct contact with you regularly, I will not be offering you any help.  It is used as an excuse to not give any money or time to others by mostly quite selfish people.  I cannot see why I cannot care about both my family and friends and other wider causes at the same time, but this expression seems to be saying this is impossible to do, which is simply not true. 

I’m not racist, but…

Excuse me whilst I am actually racist.  If you feel you need to justify what you are about to say with this expression then do not say it or you simply are racist.  A truly non racist person would never need to make that statement in the first place.  

My experiences of therapy

I have tried various kinds of therapy for my mental health over many years, some though the NHS and some I have found for myself.  These are my experiences of the therapies I have tried.

Cogitative Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

‘CBT is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle’, (www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/). 

It aims to break down problems into smaller more manageable parts.  You are shown how to change negative patterns to improve the way you feel.  Unlike other talking therapies it focuses on current problems rather than issues from your past.  It is most commonly used to treat anxiety and depression; hence I have had it for my OCD, which is a type of anxiety disorder.  

However it was not that well explained to me when I had it and seemed based on the idea that I could just stop and walk away from my OCD rituals, which if I could do that I would not be needing therapy in the first place.  The NHS website says each session should last thirty to sixty minuets, but after my initial session most of them did not last that long.  I was encouraged to take a lot of my therapy sessions by phone, which seemed to not be a very effective form of therapy for me. 

CBT does not address winder problems such as other mental health issues that could be impacting on your anxiety or depression.  I have since found out that CBT is often ineffective for people with autism, such as me, as it does not address the autistic side of things.  All CBT seemed to do for me was to get rid of one OCD ritual for it to be replaced with another.  I can see how this might help if you have a dangerous ritual, but otherwise seems a bit unhelpful.  I can see CBT might work for some who have not got more complex issues, but it was not for me.  However this seems to be the only therapy a lot of people can ever access on the NHS as if it is a panacea that will cure all mental health issues. 

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a type of meditation that focuses on being present in the moment without judging anything. ‘A typical meditation consists of focusing your full attention on your breath as it flows in and out of your body. Focusing on each breath in this way allows you to observe your thoughts as they arise in your mind and, little by little, to let go of struggling with them. You come to realise that thoughts come and go of their own accord; that you are not your thoughts. You can watch as they appear in your mind, seemingly from thin air, and watch again as they disappear’, (http://franticworld.com/what-is-mindfulness/)

Mindfulness is about noticing what your body and mind are telling you, and then being able to react more calmly to things.  One exercise is a mindful body scan where you focus your attention slowly through the body one part at a time.  Tensing up and relaxing muscles as you go so you notice the difference between the two states.

Mindfulness can help problems such as anxiety, depression and stress.  Some mindfulness exercises are often used as part of other therapies and workshops.  I have found some of the exercises helpful as part of laughter yoga and drama therapy.  I find focusing on my breathing sometimes helps me to clear my mind and relax.  However I feel that the word mindfulness has been corrupted as a marketing term to sell stuff from colouring books to health food snacks, and I refuse to buy anything labelled as such.  

Counseling

Counseling encourages you to talk about your feelings and emotions with a trained therapist.  They can help you clarify issues, explore your options, develop strategies and increase self-awareness.  I had counseling at university and later through my GP surgery.  I found it slightly helpful at university as she gave me some strategies I could use, but the other counseling I had achieved nothing other than me talking about my issues and going round in circles.    

Anger Management

Anger management aims to help you understand why you are angry and find a healthier way to express yourself.  CBT is often used in anger management to help deal with negative thought patterns.

I had some anger management as a teenager, whilst the relaxation part helped a little bit; I feel I was not mature enough yet to put the techniques into practise properly.  I was also depressed off and on at the time which may have not helped me to make the most of it. 

Group Therapy

Group therapy is a form of psychotherapy in which one or more therapists treat a group of clients at the same time.  Some uses CBT or mindfulness.  Group therapy tends to be focused on one particular issue such as addiction meetings, a shared illness or mental health condition or a traumatic experience you may have in common.  Some groups use skills training as therapy such as art, drama or music.  Group therapy has several advantages such as knowing you are not alone with the shared experiences and feelings, sharing ideas and information and hope when you see others recovering.

I had some group therapy in my early teens which used activities and discussions to help us.  Whilst I feel I did benefit slightly from it, I feel that it was hard to make the most of it due to some of the group not really wanting to be there.  I also feel that some of the group could have been a bad influence on me had I been more vulnerable, trying to persuade me during the breaks to take up smoking for example.

Laughter Yoga

Laughter yoga is a group therapy based on the idea that laughter is healthy, both for the mind and body.  Exercises are done to create laughter, starting with forced laughter; it usually turns into real laughter.  It uses chanting, clapping and games to encourage a sense of playfulness.  It often uses elements of drama therapy and visualisation techniques.  Yogic breathing is done in-between laughter exercises, relaxing the mind and body.  At the end of each session laughter meditation is done using some elements of mindfulness. 

I first encountered laughter yoga about three years ago and then last summer I started attending a new weekly session run by a friend of mine in the town where I live.  It helps me to relax and de-stress.  It is not hard work and I find it great fun.  I can understand it might not be for everyone, you need to be fairly comfortable with letting yourself go in front of others, (my drama background maybe helpful in this).  However I highly recommend giving it a try as it is my favourite form of therapy I have tried.

Drama Therapy

Theatre techniques are used to help personal growth and mental well-being.  Drama therapy is often used in schools, prisons, hospitals and in work places to promote team building and healthy working relationships.  It involves role play, voice work, movement and storytelling.  It can help people explore personal and social issues.  It helps some people learn to express themselves better.  As part of my drama studies over many years I have done a few workshops using drama as therapy to explore various topics. I think workshops have great potential to help a lot of people, but it has to not be forced on people as some could be very uncomfortable with it and not everyone is able to do things like this in front of a group.  

Self Help Books and Online

Often I have found that self-help is more effective.  I have read a few books on autism and mental health and used various online message boards and chat rooms.  Also I have watched some documentaries on TV about my issues.  I have often learnt more about how to help myself from these things than any professional therapy I have had because I can pick and choose what elements to read and watch and do it in my own time.  I also feel less pressure to recover or learn a technique in a set time period.  Plus the ideas are not restricted to the NHS guidelines which often appear very strict and limiting.

Hobbies can also be a kind of therapy, for me writing is like that.  Writing my thoughts down is helpful, so I keep a daily diary.  Writing this blog often feels as satisfying as therapy.  Sharing my issues, anxieties and feelings often helps me.  A lot of people seem to find art therapeutic.   

I have found therapy is a very personal experience and what works for one person, maybe less effective for another, even with same diagnosis.  It is worth trying different therapies or even retrying one at different stages of your life.  What may have not helped as a teenager, maybe more effective when you are more mature and not forced into it by your parents.  Do not just rely on what a doctor can refer you for, but do your own research into what is on offer in your local area outside of official medical channels.  There are other kinds of therapy that I know less about that maybe worth looking into.  Sometimes people need a combination of therapy and medication which is perfectly valid, it does not mean therapy has failed if you also need medication.  Therapy also requires will power and wanting to learn from it, being ready to get well, forcing it will not work.

Faux pas and other social issues

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I often seem to say the wrong thing or too much.  Put my foot in it you might say.  Sometimes everyone does this, but I find myself doing this rather a lot.  Part of the reason could be my autism, but I am not always able to tell what is due to my autism and what is a mistake most people could make.

I am told I can be very blunt, meaning I simply say what I think without social niceties.  I do not see why I should not say things as they are; it seems pointless to pretend otherwise to me.  Although obviously even I can tell certain situations require subtlety.  I can often tell when others are using social niceties and most of the time I do not mind, but sometimes I would prefer a straight answer.  I think people can mistake my bluntness for deliberate rudeness which can be annoying.  I tend to get this from people who know me less well.

I am also told I talk way too much at times.  There are times I could of stopped talking about an issue a few sentences back and may have gotten away with not saying the wrong thing if I had stopped talking about it sooner.  However I can struggle to tell if I am over discussing a topic sometimes.  I may also bore people with my long rambles on an issue they are not so interested in.  I have this urge to get all my thoughts out on a topic to someone at times.  I feel like I may burst if I do not say it.  Part of it could be I over think a lot of things to the point my mind feels full and I simply have to unload.  A bit like some of my blog posts I suppose.  I do find writing about a topic helpful.

I find certain social situations harder than others to know what or how much I should say.  I find situations I have experienced less often harder.  Practise has helped me get better in a lot of situations.  I think I am getting better at chatting in pubs, cafes and at family dinners, although not always exactly getting it right.  I find certain people easier to chat with as I know what I can get away with saying with them.  Family members and friends I see more regularly are easier on the whole, but people I see less often and new folk can be harder.  I often end up being way too blunt for them or talking so much they get annoyed or walk away.

Social media is often easier for me.  I enjoy chatting online, but sarcastic comments can be lost on me, although I get the very obvious ones.  Without facial expression or voice tone sarcasm can be tricky for anyone.  I also find some people who do not know me can be offended by my comments.  Bluntness strikes again!  I try to make my comments not appear rude, but now and then some people just take them the wrong way.  In these situations I often stop responding to them as it is not worth an argument.  Although I have occasionally purposefully been rude back to show them that their comments are wrong or unhelpful or just me getting annoyed, then I step away from it.  I have found that turning off comment notifications can be helpful.

I try to remember to think before I speak in certain situations.  However I find this tricky when I get onto certain topics I am very passionate about or in a heated debate.  I guess that this could be common for a lot of people though when things get heated people say things in the moment.

Another thing that has been pointed out to me is that my voice can get monotonous, although I like to think my background in drama has helped make it less so over the years.  I certainly think my speech was less varied as a child, which must have become tedious to listen to after a while for some people.  I can become monotonous again now when rambling, but having been made aware I do this I often try to not allow it to happen too much.  In drama classes we learnt about inflection and emphasizing certain words which was useful for me.  I feel drama has a lot skills high functioning autistics could find helpful and taking a few classes would be beneficial for a lot of autistic people.

What I find annoying is when people stereotype how they think I will be in social situations.  Firstly I actually enjoy socialising which surprises some people who think autistics all enjoy being left alone on their own all the time.  Sure I need alone time, everyone does, but too much alone time makes me feel lonely.  Plus my OCD and other anxieties can get worse if I spend too long alone with my own thoughts.  Secondly I do go to pubs and drink alcohol.  (OK I spent nine months last year t-total, but that was not me avoiding alcohol for autistic reasons, that was a whole other thing you can read about in a previous post should you wish.)  I am not a heavy drinker and can go for weeks at a time not drinking, but I have been drunk before more than once and may well be drunk again.  There is often an assumption that autistics cannot stand booze and find pubs too noisy, which although often true, is not always the case.  I have heard that autistic people have no sense of humour.  Wrong!  I do take a lot of things more seriously than some people, maybe too seriously at times, but I certainly enjoy a laugh.  Not only do I like many sit-coms, comedy films and stand –up comedians, I can enjoy laughing in a social setting with friends.  I can see the funny side of drunken mishaps and can laugh when friends recount amusing stories.  As for the autistic people are introvert and quite thing and do not talk unless directly spoken to or even are totally mute, well this could not be further from the truth in my case.  As I wrote earlier I am more likely to over talk and say too much.  Also I will talk to people who have not directly spoken specifically to me, but more generally to everyone in a room.

Autism is not an excuse to be deliberately rude to someone and it is not an excuse to take over a conversation and have the most say about an issue, but it can mean someone may not know they are doing this.  Sometimes it helps if other people around them give them some understanding and do not just assume they are being rude.  It can help if people point out what they are doing, although with tact and quietly not in front of everyone, if an appropriate moment comes up to do so

 

Lyrical

When I am struggling with emotions and feelings writing helps me sometimes.  I find writing lyrics can be helpful, especially when confused or heartbroken or sad.  It can help me to get my anger or sadness out in a safe way.   It helps me to explore my feelings towards someone or something.  I cannot go and yell at the guy in person in a lot of cases, so this helps.

I enjoy writing in various song styles and genres.  A lot of the time my songs end up coming out in ‘Goth emo’ style, but not always.  I am a huge The Rasmus fan, which is what a lot of my songs end up being a bit like, but some also turn out more like Train or other things.  I wish I could write music and put the tunes down on paper, although I do not actually think the tunes I have in my head are very good most of the time anyway.  Someone else can write the tunes one day if they wish.

I write lyrics for myself about very personal things, they are not written to be taken seriously as hit songs; they are just to help me.  I thought I would share a few of my songs though just to help explain myself a bit better to people and also I love to share what I have been writing whatever type of thing it is.

A lot of my songs are about love and relationships, like most songs seem to be.  These next ones are about my last long term relationship ending.

Silence of the Ghost

You don’t have a master plan

If you wake up tomorrow

You think you’ve won the game

You don’t see a future

You’re living day to day

 

I need something solid

That I can build upon

But you have no foundation

You’re crumbling to the ground

‘Cause you’re afraid of life

 

(Chorus)

So now you’ve gone and ghosted me

And just left me with memories

What am I supposed to do?

I have no way to get through to you

 

You don’t even know

What you’ve left behind

Do you know how much you hurt me?

Do you even care?

Or are you lost inside your mind?

 

(Bridge)

You’re a ghost and you haunt me

Bet you think you set me free

But you’re a ghost and you haunt me

(Chorus)

That’s what scares me most

It’s the silence of the ghost

It’s the silence of the ghost

 

Dreams/ Reality

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

But you don’t see

See the bigger picture

See the picture of me

Standing right before you

But you don’t see

 

I’m not what you need

You need someone who is ripped at the seams

Someone who has no dreams

But baby that’s not me

I want to have a life

Maybe be someone’s wife

 

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

This is something I’m learning

But I refuse to give up on my dreams

So I’m giving up on you

Then maybe I will see a new reality

 

Thief

You said all the things that I wanted to here

That I’m loved and you’ll keep me near

Was it truth, was it lies?

Was it part of your plan?

As you committed your crime

 

(Chorus)

You became a thief of the night

You stole my life

My heart, my soul are in your possession now

When you walked away

You took everything I need

I am no longer me

 

I can’t ask for them back

Since you went on the run

I can’t ask for the truth

You’re in hiding now

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

 

I would say let the punishment fit the crime

But I think you’re already broken inside

Just like you did to me

Now I’m broken too

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

 

This next song is about when you are finally starting to move on from a painful break up.  It is much more hard rock than the other and the words in capitals are supposed to be almost shouted.

Break Down

I came back today

Back from time away

But it weren’t no holiday

It was a mental break

DOWN!

 

Although I never left my own bed

I wasn’t there inside my head

I was going out my mind

Thoughts were dragging me

DOWN!

 

I have no one to blame

I drive myself insane

Living inside the pain

The pain that come from having known

YOU!

 

Today I finally felt OK

I woke up and got out of bed

Decided to get out of my head

Now I’m living just for me

FUCK YOU!

 

This song has parts about several men I have met along the way, but is mostly about one specific person.

 

Over You

You told me you needed someone

But after you had your fun

You said you’re too broken inside

To take any-more

Well I’ve been broken since the day I was born

I’m totally twisted and torn

But that don’t mean I want to be alone

So don’t you dare use that excuse

 

Why can’t you just tell me the truth?

(Chorus)

 

I know I’m supposed to hate you

But you know I don’t

If I did it would make it easier

For me to move on

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

 

I think I knew from the start

But I’m slightly insane

So I played along with your game

Hoping to make it real

 

It still hit me like a hammer when you left

I should have seen it coming

But it’s hard when you want it so bad

Now I feel like the guilty one

But that really should be you

(Chorus)

 

There’s a deep emotion I get when I think of you

I both hate it and love it

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

(Chorus)

 

This song has nothing to do with love and is about my mental health, partly my OCD.

 

My Darkest Sin

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It comes from within

I try to fight it

But I have to give in

So I end up committing my darkest sin

 

(Chorus)

Sin, sin, sin, what do I win

When I commit my darkest sin

I win silence from the voices inside my head

I win back the silence of the night

The silence of the night

 

There’s a confusion surrounds me

I don’t know what is right

I try to be part of this world

But it’s always a battle

Against my own sin

 

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

I am only human

I will often fail

I can’t live up to what is always expected from me

 

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It’s dragging me down

(chorus)

 

This song was written when I was feeling very low and lonely.

The Lie

You gotta’ try, try, try everyday

Even though you want to die, die, die in so many ways

You got to pretend that you are OK

Don’t let them see your vulnerability

Or they’ll take advantage one of these days

 

(Chorus)

I feel numb, numb, numb, nothing inside

There’s a void inside where the love should be

I try to fill it, but it feels an impossibility

I can’t seem to find what I need

I come close, but it’s not meant to be

 

You gotta’ lie, lie, lie everyday

That you don’t wanna cry, cry, cry is so many ways

You make out you cope on your own

There’s no way they’d understand at all

 

(Chorus) 

(Bridge)

You ask yourself why, why, why it happened again

You gave it your all, but it wasn’t enough

Still you must try, try, try

 

(Chorus)

 

If others can fake it so can you

But for how long can this go on?

 

 

This last song is about trying to fit in and being true to myself.

Being Me

I have tried everyday

I have tried to be regular, normal

Gave it my best, gave it my all

But eventually I had to fall

They all rejected me

 

(Chorus)

I can’t be something I’m not

So I’m going to give it a shot

At being who I truly am

Without no massive plan

I am being me

 

I have finally found

What I want to be

But I think I left it too late

I’m way past the starting gate

They just locked all the doors to my youth

 

(Chorus)

 

I refuse to give in

I will finally win

I will find a way

To make tomorrow my day

I don’t care what they say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some things I hate

I Hate…

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OCD, on certain days it really controls me and seems to take over. My worst traits at the moment are often to do with my hair having to be perfectly neat and my bedtime routine. On days when I am really struggling with my OCD I can be afraid to go to bed. OCD nags at me and gets exhausting at times. I am glad not all days are as bad as others.

Being autistic at a confusing level. Being Asperger or high functioning level means that I am more than aware I am autistic, but still seem to have very little control over it, so I just know I mess up a lot. Being aware of my faults, but unable to do much about them is very frustrating.

When I clearly have said something wrong and upset someone, but am not quite sure what I said that was wrong. Knowing me I spoke my mind too freely, said too much or I have been told I can come across as somewhat self centred, but I never mean to. Then if you ask someone what you did wrong not knowing sometimes makes you appear even more self centred.

My anxiety issues with people I care about. I worry too much if they are happy or content when with me and sometimes ask if they are OK too many times, till they get annoyed with me. When alone I can annoy myself by worrying if they miss me as much as I miss them or is it a relief for them to have a break from me? I am often unsure of the right balance between giving someone space and showing I care.

My mind in one of its frequent over thinking states when I am alone. I end up getting emotional or anxious, over dramatising things in my head. I can work myself up into a sad or angry state.

How tired I feel a lot of the time. Day time naps no longer seem to help as much as they used to. Often I feel drained or lethargic. Is it my OCD and anxiety that cause it?

People who say things like ‘you’ve done so well considering’ or ‘you’re so brave’ or give you that look as if to say ‘ah bless the special needs person’. I know they mean well, but it is patronising. How do they know that actually for me I am having a bad day and on a good day I can actually pass them by unnoticed and do not come across as special needs at all.

How messed up my posture is from my hip issue. Years of limping and using walking aids such as crutches have left me with shoulder, neck and back problems. They can really hurt at times. My spine now has a slight curve and I am often rounded at the shoulders. On bad days it can cause me to walk somewhat wrong and give me pain in my feet. I hate knowing that as I age this might get worse and I could be one of those bent over old people you see that can hardly stand upright. I do exercises most days that were given to me by physiotherapy, they do not take long and do help somewhat with the pain, but they will never cure it and are tedious to do when I am not in the right mood.

People who say getting a job is easy if I really wanted one. They do not know how hard I tried to get paying work. They should try it with autism, mental health issues, benefit money issues and living in a small seaside town.

Depression days that are so crippling now and then I can not even dress and leave my flat. These are the days when my mental health issues win. I let people down, spend too much time alone and then end up annoyed with myself. I am too low to fully function and my OCD too bad to dress fully.

I am not saying things are always this bad, but during bad phases these are the things that get me down. I think writing them down and sharing them with others helps me feel less anxious about them somewhat.

Drinking and Why I Went Back to the Booze (or What I Learned in Nine Months Sober)

I admit it, I caved, and I drank alcohol again. Not vast amounts, enough to be tipsy, but not wreaked. In total I drank two pints of cider over several hours in four half pints. I was at the local pub and too distracted by the karaoke and chatting to drink any faster. I also find I drink less if I have halves as I do not drink so much at once and do not want to keep going up to the bar too often.

I decided after nine months of sobriety that I could drink again without it being a problem. I have never actually been a problem drinker. One of the main reasons I drank that night was due to anger and a ‘who the heck even cares any more’ attitude. Finding myself newly single and having had a birthday that week I thought, here I am at thirty-two single again, being good has got me nowhere so stuff it. I partly gave up drinking to help my ex when he was really struggling with drink problems and seeing what alcohol could do to him scared me. However seeing as he left me I was feeling pretty annoyed at the whole no alcohol thing. ( Although he was not the only reason I quit drinking.)

Actually when I was with him I found giving up alcohol pretty easy. I was happy and did not need it for a good time. He managed at least eight months sober and together we were getting our lives sorted. However on my own alcohol became tempting again. I know being left by someone and being angry and upset is a stupid reason to drink, but frankly at the time I did not care and I know I can handle drink better than some people anyway.  I think this song by Train sums up why I drank that night rather well

However I am very glad I did spend nine months totally alcohol free. I was starting to drink more than I should have and looking back did need to take a break from it. I also got to see how it looks when you are sober around drunk people. No one very drunk looks good to a sober person, no matter what you think the alcohol does to you, it is not helping you become more attractive or better at things trust me on this. Drinking heavily on a very regular basis can make you a tedious person to spend time with. Far from enhancing your personality it makes you overly emotional and dumb. Drunk people tend to say stupid things and end up in situations that I can see could easily have been avoided if they had drunk less that night. I found some occasions actually more enjoyable sober. My cousin’s wedding for example, was easier being fully sober with all my wits about me to deal with so many people at once. I found I saved money sober as well as I had better judgement on what I was spending at the bar. Coming home from a night out with change from a £20 is quite nice.

I have decided that alcohol is fine in moderation and not too often. I will drink again, but not every time I go out, just occasionally when I feel I am able to handle it. I also plan to not drink too much at once. You do not have to drink heavily to get a nice buzz from alcohol and the hangover is not so bad in the morning this way. If you need at least six pints to have a good time maybe you have a problem or at least could do with a break from alcohol for a while. In fact everyone could do with a break from alcohol now and then, maybe not nine months like me, but a month or two so you can see things from a sober prospective.

Some people like my ex can not do moderation and in those cases should remain totally alcohol free. For them one drink will never be just one drink. I however am lucky and can do moderate drinking, so why not? I never did get much pleasure from being very heavily drunk. I also plan to keep my flat an alcohol free zone. Living alone, solo drinking is the worst kind of drinking, it tends to be depressed drinking. Alcohol is best when with other people enjoyed sensibly in moderation.