Archives

Lyrical

When I am struggling with emotions and feelings writing helps me sometimes.  I find writing lyrics can be helpful, especially when confused or heartbroken or sad.  It can help me to get my anger or sadness out in a safe way.   It helps me to explore my feelings towards someone or something.  I cannot go and yell at the guy in person in a lot of cases, so this helps.

I enjoy writing in various song styles and genres.  A lot of the time my songs end up coming out in ‘Goth emo’ style, but not always.  I am a huge The Rasmus fan, which is what a lot of my songs end up being a bit like, but some also turn out more like Train or other things.  I wish I could write music and put the tunes down on paper, although I do not actually think the tunes I have in my head are very good most of the time anyway.  Someone else can write the tunes one day if they wish.

I write lyrics for myself about very personal things, they are not written to be taken seriously as hit songs; they are just to help me.  I thought I would share a few of my songs though just to help explain myself a bit better to people and also I love to share what I have been writing whatever type of thing it is.

A lot of my songs are about love and relationships, like most songs seem to be.  These next ones are about my last long term relationship ending.

Silence of the Ghost

You don’t have a master plan

If you wake up tomorrow

You think you’ve won the game

You don’t see a future

You’re living day to day

 

I need something solid

That I can build upon

But you have no foundation

You’re crumbling to the ground

‘Cause you’re afraid of life

 

(Chorus)

So now you’ve gone and ghosted me

And just left me with memories

What am I supposed to do?

I have no way to get through to you

 

You don’t even know

What you’ve left behind

Do you know how much you hurt me?

Do you even care?

Or are you lost inside your mind?

 

(Bridge)

You’re a ghost and you haunt me

Bet you think you set me free

But you’re a ghost and you haunt me

(Chorus)

That’s what scares me most

It’s the silence of the ghost

It’s the silence of the ghost

 

Dreams/ Reality

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

But you don’t see

See the bigger picture

See the picture of me

Standing right before you

But you don’t see

 

I’m not what you need

You need someone who is ripped at the seams

Someone who has no dreams

But baby that’s not me

I want to have a life

Maybe be someone’s wife

 

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

This is something I’m learning

But I refuse to give up on my dreams

So I’m giving up on you

Then maybe I will see a new reality

 

Thief

You said all the things that I wanted to here

That I’m loved and you’ll keep me near

Was it truth, was it lies?

Was it part of your plan?

As you committed your crime

 

(Chorus)

You became a thief of the night

You stole my life

My heart, my soul are in your possession now

When you walked away

You took everything I need

I am no longer me

 

I can’t ask for them back

Since you went on the run

I can’t ask for the truth

You’re in hiding now

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

 

I would say let the punishment fit the crime

But I think you’re already broken inside

Just like you did to me

Now I’m broken too

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

 

This next song is about when you are finally starting to move on from a painful break up.  It is much more hard rock than the other and the words in capitals are supposed to be almost shouted.

Break Down

I came back today

Back from time away

But it weren’t no holiday

It was a mental break

DOWN!

 

Although I never left my own bed

I wasn’t there inside my head

I was going out my mind

Thoughts were dragging me

DOWN!

 

I have no one to blame

I drive myself insane

Living inside the pain

The pain that come from having known

YOU!

 

Today I finally felt OK

I woke up and got out of bed

Decided to get out of my head

Now I’m living just for me

FUCK YOU!

 

This song has parts about several men I have met along the way, but is mostly about one specific person.

 

Over You

You told me you needed someone

But after you had your fun

You said you’re too broken inside

To take any-more

Well I’ve been broken since the day I was born

I’m totally twisted and torn

But that don’t mean I want to be alone

So don’t you dare use that excuse

 

Why can’t you just tell me the truth?

(Chorus)

 

I know I’m supposed to hate you

But you know I don’t

If I did it would make it easier

For me to move on

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

 

I think I knew from the start

But I’m slightly insane

So I played along with your game

Hoping to make it real

 

It still hit me like a hammer when you left

I should have seen it coming

But it’s hard when you want it so bad

Now I feel like the guilty one

But that really should be you

(Chorus)

 

There’s a deep emotion I get when I think of you

I both hate it and love it

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

(Chorus)

 

This song has nothing to do with love and is about my mental health, partly my OCD.

 

My Darkest Sin

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It comes from within

I try to fight it

But I have to give in

So I end up committing my darkest sin

 

(Chorus)

Sin, sin, sin, what do I win

When I commit my darkest sin

I win silence from the voices inside my head

I win back the silence of the night

The silence of the night

 

There’s a confusion surrounds me

I don’t know what is right

I try to be part of this world

But it’s always a battle

Against my own sin

 

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

I am only human

I will often fail

I can’t live up to what is always expected from me

 

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It’s dragging me down

(chorus)

 

This song was written when I was feeling very low and lonely.

The Lie

You gotta’ try, try, try everyday

Even though you want to die, die, die in so many ways

You got to pretend that you are OK

Don’t let them see your vulnerability

Or they’ll take advantage one of these days

 

(Chorus)

I feel numb, numb, numb, nothing inside

There’s a void inside where the love should be

I try to fill it, but it feels an impossibility

I can’t seem to find what I need

I come close, but it’s not meant to be

 

You gotta’ lie, lie, lie everyday

That you don’t wanna cry, cry, cry is so many ways

You make out you cope on your own

There’s no way they’d understand at all

 

(Chorus) 

(Bridge)

You ask yourself why, why, why it happened again

You gave it your all, but it wasn’t enough

Still you must try, try, try

 

(Chorus)

 

If others can fake it so can you

But for how long can this go on?

 

 

This last song is about trying to fit in and being true to myself.

Being Me

I have tried everyday

I have tried to be regular, normal

Gave it my best, gave it my all

But eventually I had to fall

They all rejected me

 

(Chorus)

I can’t be something I’m not

So I’m going to give it a shot

At being who I truly am

Without no massive plan

I am being me

 

I have finally found

What I want to be

But I think I left it too late

I’m way past the starting gate

They just locked all the doors to my youth

 

(Chorus)

 

I refuse to give in

I will finally win

I will find a way

To make tomorrow my day

I don’t care what they say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Some things I hate

I Hate…

frownie-emoji

OCD, on certain days it really controls me and seems to take over. My worst traits at the moment are often to do with my hair having to be perfectly neat and my bedtime routine. On days when I am really struggling with my OCD I can be afraid to go to bed. OCD nags at me and gets exhausting at times. I am glad not all days are as bad as others.

Being autistic at a confusing level. Being Asperger or high functioning level means that I am more than aware I am autistic, but still seem to have very little control over it, so I just know I mess up a lot. Being aware of my faults, but unable to do much about them is very frustrating.

When I clearly have said something wrong and upset someone, but am not quite sure what I said that was wrong. Knowing me I spoke my mind too freely, said too much or I have been told I can come across as somewhat self centred, but I never mean to. Then if you ask someone what you did wrong not knowing sometimes makes you appear even more self centred.

My anxiety issues with people I care about. I worry too much if they are happy or content when with me and sometimes ask if they are OK too many times, till they get annoyed with me. When alone I can annoy myself by worrying if they miss me as much as I miss them or is it a relief for them to have a break from me? I am often unsure of the right balance between giving someone space and showing I care.

My mind in one of its frequent over thinking states when I am alone. I end up getting emotional or anxious, over dramatising things in my head. I can work myself up into a sad or angry state.

How tired I feel a lot of the time. Day time naps no longer seem to help as much as they used to. Often I feel drained or lethargic. Is it my OCD and anxiety that cause it?

People who say things like ‘you’ve done so well considering’ or ‘you’re so brave’ or give you that look as if to say ‘ah bless the special needs person’. I know they mean well, but it is patronising. How do they know that actually for me I am having a bad day and on a good day I can actually pass them by unnoticed and do not come across as special needs at all.

How messed up my posture is from my hip issue. Years of limping and using walking aids such as crutches have left me with shoulder, neck and back problems. They can really hurt at times. My spine now has a slight curve and I am often rounded at the shoulders. On bad days it can cause me to walk somewhat wrong and give me pain in my feet. I hate knowing that as I age this might get worse and I could be one of those bent over old people you see that can hardly stand upright. I do exercises most days that were given to me by physiotherapy, they do not take long and do help somewhat with the pain, but they will never cure it and are tedious to do when I am not in the right mood.

People who say getting a job is easy if I really wanted one. They do not know how hard I tried to get paying work. They should try it with autism, mental health issues, benefit money issues and living in a small seaside town.

Depression days that are so crippling now and then I can not even dress and leave my flat. These are the days when my mental health issues win. I let people down, spend too much time alone and then end up annoyed with myself. I am too low to fully function and my OCD too bad to dress fully.

I am not saying things are always this bad, but during bad phases these are the things that get me down. I think writing them down and sharing them with others helps me feel less anxious about them somewhat.

My Experiences of the NHS Mental Health Service

 

I would like to share my experiences of the NHS mental health services.  I have found it a patchy service at best, with very little flexibility.  I am not saying that you should not seek help with mental health issues, there are some positives in the mental health system, but it is far from an ideal service and needs a lot of changes to make it work better for more people.

My first experience of therapy for mental health came aged eleven or twelve when I was referred by my GP after my mum asked.  I think she had to ask more than once.  I was diagnosed with OCD by the psychologist.  I had talking therapy once a week, often with my mum.  I got a new psychologist later who put me on medication for my OCD.  I am still on that medication.  I think it used to help, but no longer think it does anything for my OCD.  No doctor willing to properly review it.  One doctor did agree it probably did nothing for me now as I would have become immune to it and put me on a much lower dose as you can’t simply come off it. I know it is one of the hardest medications to come off and the side effects of not taking it for three days once when I ran out at university were awful.  I do not know if the medication has any side-affects as I have been on it so long I am no longer sure what is me and what is the medication.  It could be one of the reasons I am tired so much and would love to be able to try life without it, but right now that does not seem possible.

I started group therapy once a week for a couple of terms.  I am not sure if it was helpful or not, but I liked going as it got me out of school for the morning.  The trouble was I did not fit in with the others very well and some of them could have been a bad influence.  Some of the girls tried to talk me into smoking with them during the break, not that I ever did.

Autism, more specifically Asperger’s syndrome were raised as something I may have.  I can’t remember if it was my mum who brought it up or if my psychologist mentioned it first, but I remember it being discussed.  However I never was sent for testing, which I do not understand as I clearly had major issues and think it would have helped a lot to have a formal diagnosis.

At the age of thirteen I left my first secondary school as I was being bullied very badly and the school was not really addressing it properly, nor were they helping me with my mental and physical issues which were clearly getting worse.  I ended up spending a term in a new education program for children struggling with school run by the childrens mental health services.  It was just a classroom in the mental health services building and not really a school, but it was better than nothing.  Then I ended up in a special needs school, supposedly for those with physical disabilities, but I think my hip was just an excuse and really it was the fact that no other school would have me and the education authority did not know where else to put me.  I think my report from my previous school may have put other schools off.  I admit I had become very difficult to teach by this point, having become very angry a lot of the time and not really being able to handle it.

I had anger management therapy for a few sessions with a mental health nurse.  This was based around mindfulness.  It helped me a little bit, but mindfulness only works if you can feel the anger coming before it is too late, which often I cannot.  The trouble is I tend to go from fine to angry in about a nano second, which gives me no time to put the mindfulness in place.

When I turned sixteen I left the children’s mental health service and that seemed to be that.  I was not transferred to adult services.  Some years later I asked my GP for support with my mental health and I was offered counselling through my surgery.  It was not very helpful as I did not get many sessions and I do not think the guy really understood my problems.  A few years later at university I had some counselling that was more helpful to me.  I think it helped that she was used to working with students so it was more tailored to my situation at the time.  She taught me about mind maps, which helped with my coursework to make it seem less daunting and stressful.

Since then I have gone to my GP for support with my mental health and been told about the anxiety and depression service.  I have tried this service twice, once for depression and once for my OCD.  As a self referral service I found it hard to get an appointment.  Last time I had to ring them three times before they answered the phone and they totally ignored my emails.  For depression this is not helpful, a depressed person is not very likely to keep trying once they fail to get through.  Once you do get an appointment you are told you get twelve sessions mostly over the phone.  I found phone therapy very unhelpful as it meant I could sit at home and wallow in my depression or lie about how much of the homework I had actually done.  I found the phone calls quite uncomfortable and would just say what I thought he wanted to hear to get it over with as quickly as possible.   When it came to therapy for my OCD I found it pretty much useless.  The only kind of therapy they seem to offer is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  At first the program seemed to be helping a bit, but I soon realised it only got rid of one OCD trait to replace it with another.  The therapy never looked at the causes of my OCD behaviour, just the individual symptoms.  Despite specifically asking to have only face to face appointments, I was soon given only phone calls, which were not very affective.  The next stage was to sign me up with an online program that only therapists could add you to.  Some of the exercises on the program required that you logged in daily to the site.  I did tell my therapist that I was in the process of moving and had no internet in my new flat, but despite this she kept on at me to use the program.  Some of the exercises were simply impossible to do in the local library where I often access the internet.  In the end I gave up as even the exercises I could do seemed to not be helping.  I have since been told that CBT will not help me anyway as I am autistic and it hardly ever works for people on the spectrum, so that was a waste of time.  No other service is offered for OCD on the NHS in my area according to my GP.

Last year I was finally diagnosed as High Functioning Autistic or Asperger’s after my mental health assessment flagged it up as something to get tested for.  I was about thirteen when it first came up as a possible diagnosis and it took till I was thirty-one to be tested!

I find it hard to get a GP or anyone else in the health service to take my mental health problems seriously.  I have never self-harmed or been suicidal which maybe one reason I get so little support, despite finding my anxiety and OCD crippling some days.  I have never had a psychologist as an adult.  I did get some support from one GP after I cried in an appointment and asked to sign on as too sick to work.  She got me a mental health assessment, the first and only one I have had as an adult.  This did help as it led to some positive changes in my life.  However I think it helped that I had changed surgeries not long before this as my previous surgery had always seemed to dismiss my mental health problems.

I think mental health services need to be more flexible to meet a patients needs.  People end up costing the NHS more if they are left till they are so ill they need hospitalizing or longer term care.  CBT and mindfulness therapy is proven to work well for a lot of people, but it is not going to suite everyone, yet they seem to be the only things the NHS offer.  Even if it does help, you get so few sessions that as soon as you make a tiny bit of progress the therapy runs out and you go back to square one.  I think the NHS would save money if they invested in better mental health services, as some physical symptoms can be brought on by mental health issues being left untreated.

images

 

Alcohol is not for everyone

index

I have given up drinking alcohol. Since mid December last year I decided that alcohol and me do not suite each other. Some of my friends have questioned this abstinence and do not really understand why I have done this. So I have written down my reasons for no longer drinking and hope it helps others to understand that alcohol is not for everyone.

Before I start I would just like to say this is not an anti-alcohol rant, I have nothing against people having a drink and do not mind if people have a drink in front of me.

  • Health

Alcohol is a poison, ‘Your body can only process one unit of alcohol an hour. Drink a lot in a short space of time and the amount of alcohol in the blood can stop the body from working properly’, (www.drinkaware.co.uk). Not only can alcohol effect your liver, it can affect your stomach and digestive system, your kidneys and in fact most of your body systems.

Alcohol also has a big effect on mental health. Alcohol is a depressant, at first it may help to relax you and make you less anxious, but after a while it can make things worse. I certainly felt a low mode sometimes if I had a heavy night of drinking. Drinking can become a vicious circle, drinking to reduce your depression and anxiety, but actually making it worse long-term.

I already have both physical and mental health problems, so I decided it was not worth the risks to make them worse. I can get quite depressed and anxious without the help of alcohol and last time I was very drunk I felt even more low than normal the next day.

  • To stay in control of my emotions better

As an autistic person I sometimes struggle to control my emotions. When I am not feeling at my best I can get very upset or angry easily. When I was drinking I noticed that it often just amplified the mood I was already in rather than relaxed me. So if I was feeling depressed or anxious it just made that feeling worse. ‘Regular drinking lowers the levels of serotonin in your brain – a chemical that helps to regulate your mood’ (www.drinkawear.co.uk) so it was bound to make me feel worse since I am naturally a rather anxious person. Also I have noticed that some people become more angry when they are drinking and more sensitive to things they would normally dismiss as not important, which is not a good way to keep healthy relationships with friends and family.

  • Weight

According to an article in Elle magazine ‘When Alcohol is in your system, it’s harder for your body to burn fat that’s already there’ (www.elle.com). It slows down the rate at which fat is broken-down. Not only that, but drink itself full of calories and sugar. For example cider (what I used to drink most) has 216 calories on average in just one pint. A 175ml glass of wine has 159 calories. A pint of beer has 182 calories on average. In other words alcohol is not a diet drink and can help you gain weight. ‘People eat about 30 percent more food when they consume alcohol’ (www.elle.com) which is something I can relate to. After a night out drinking I always feel hungry, and often end up getting some kind of greasy burger to take home. The large queues at the late opening fast food joints show that this is true for many people. I already enjoy my food a lot and do not need any help to eat more.

  • To Save Money

If you have any taste buds and drink not just to get out of your mind, but actually enjoy the drink itself, you will not be able to drink the cheapest alcohol on the market, such as that shockingly cheap cider you see in stupidly large bottles in most convenience stores. I tried that stuff once and I decided that I might as well just be drinking paint stripper it was so disgusting.

  • Have a good time without anyway

I still go out and have fun with friends without alcohol. I go to a pub quiz most weeks and enjoy it despite sticking to coffee and fruit juice. In fact I think I might be better at the quiz with a clearer mind and no alcohol to make me unfocused. On a night out with friends I sometimes feel a natural buzz from the atmosphere around me and don’t need drink to feel like I am having a good time.

  • Hangovers suck

To state the obvious hangovers suck. When I was younger I used to hardly get hungover, just a dry mouth and a bit of a headache, but the older I got the worse the hangovers got. Being autistic I cope very badly with feeling unwell, I am overly sensitive to even a small amount of pain and I panic when I feel sick. Hungover me was not pleasant for other people to be around. I decided to try and avoid having to feel that way as much as possible. To those who start coming up with hangover cures the NHS website tells us ‘there are no cures for a hangover’ (www.nhs.uk/livewell).

  • To stay safe

After a night out I have to get home again, often alone, I would like to do this with all my faculties intact so I can look after myself better. I would rather not have to go home alone late at night, but sometimes it cannot be avoided, at least when sober I am less likely to end up in difficulty. Alcohol dulls the senses and slows down reaction times, which when walking home can be a dangerous thing.

  • Less chance of making an idiot of myself when sober

When you are the only sober person on a night out, you can see how much alcohol is affecting people. They do things they would normally not, sometimes embarrassing, stupid things. People tend to flirt more when drunk and this can lead to some awkward situations, and sometimes not very safe situations. People often become less careful about what they say out loud and this can lead to saying some hurtful or embarrassing things. Also when drunk people are more clumsy. I know that I used to trip up over my own feet more and found stairs and curbs of pavements tricker. It can be embarrassing and very annoying to spill your drink all over yourself.

  • Supporting my boyfriend who is trying hard to stay off drink

‘Substance abuse in general (that is the abuse of alcohol or the use of street drugs) is a significant problem for people living with schizophrenia, with over half of all people with schizophrenia having co-morbid drug or alcohol abuse issues’ (www.livingwwithscitzophreniauk.org). My boyfriend has schizophrenia and has had alcohol issues for most of his adult life, but is now trying very hard to beat his alcohol dependency. He simply cannot have just one or two drinks; once he starts he ends up having more and more until he is unable to function properly. He so badly wants to live his life without alcohol and has managed to not have a drink for well over three months now. I admire him for this as it is very hard to give up any addiction, let alone when you have a mind that races all day long and will not shut up. So for obvious reasons we cannot go to the pub together and I would rather not have a drink in front of him. I hope by not drinking I am showing him it is possible to live life happily without alcohol.

I am not saying I will never drink again, I might well do, but right now I just do not want to.

OCD, Anxiety and Me

OCD and anxiety have affected me for as long as I can remember.  They are both linked and when anxious my OCD can get worse, and then my OCD makes me feel even more anxious, it is a vicious circle.

How OCD affects me

OCD wears me out both physically and mentally.  It is exhausting having to redo the same things over and over till my brain tells me it is done to a satisfactory result.  It affects my bed time routine, often making the time I actually get into bed and fall asleep very late.  I can be ready for bed at a more reasonable time, but then I have to recheck things, sometimes making it as far as getting into bed, but then having to get out again.  I can sometimes lie in bed and then notice I have not tided something away and then have to get up again to deal with it, despite the fact I know it could have waited untill the morning.

OCD can make me late for things by slowing me down.  Having to redo things and double check stuff before I can leave the house means I have to factor in more time to get ready for things or I can be late.  Also it often means I over sleep in the morning due to my awful bed time routine keeping me up late.

If I do not get the chance to do something till my brain tells me it is done satisfactorily I can feel uncomfortable.  It will play on my mind that I did not complete my routine, sometimes rushing what I am supposed to be fully focusing on to get back to it.

I am aware that sometimes my OCD can make me come across as odd.  My OCD is not as bad in public as it used to be, but it can flare up more when stressed.  When I go to the toilet I know I can sometimes take longer than normal and do a perfectionist routine which has led to others giving me curious looks.

I have fallen out with people and argued due to my OCD before.  I realise it must be almost as frustrating for others close to me to deal with as it is for me.  When I lived with my parents I used to argue with them about things around the house that would ‘bother’ me.  They would leave something where it did not normally go or rearrange things and I could freak out, getting angry with them over it.  The trouble was I did not do this all the time and it could be hard to predict what would trigger me, making it tricky for people around me.  I used to argue with my parents and my brother quite often over OCD things.  (Since leaving home this has got a lot better as when I visit it is no longer my living space so I do not feel such a need to control it).

How anxiety affects me

Anxiety often makes me over think about things.  If something does not go very well I may replay the incident in my mind and worry about what went wrong.  Sometimes I only worry about it weeks after it happened, or months or some events still play on my mind from time to time years later.

I like to be in control and often over plan things in great detail.  I imagine what will happen and picture the future event like a film in my mind.  If it does not go to plan I can get upset and get very anxious, although often I can take smaller changes to plan, but the bigger things throw me.  Not only do I plan big events in my mind, but everyday events are sometimes planned out in advance, what I will do that day and in what order.

During major change and stressful events I often feel very anxious.  For example after signing the lease for my first flat on my own I felt very on edge most of the two weeks before the actual move.  I felt physically unwell with stomach ache, which I often seem to get when I am nervous.  I was more easily upset either crying or getting angry at those around me over silly little things.  I had visions in my mind of things going wrong and felt like my world could come crashing down on me at any moment.  I was unable to function totally alone and had to rely on those around me such as my parents and support staff to get me through this period.  Part of me was excited to be moving into my own place and I knew that I would cope with my families help, but I still felt very anxious.

Like OCD, anxiety is mentally draining, I feel tired a lot of the time even if I have not done much physically that day.  My mind never seems to stop thinking and it sometimes feels as if it is racing to get all the thoughts out.  On my worst days this can give me a headache, but mostly it just makes me feel tired.

I find silence hard to deal with as I can then hear my own negative thoughts too much.  I find distraction helpful, doing something that requires a lot of concentration such as crafting, or writing.  I also find background noise helps from the radio or TV, although I do prefer a decent programme that can take my mind away from my thoughts, any noise is better than total silence.  Although I do like silence when trying to go to sleep last thing at night.

In the past I have suffered with depression, which I am sure is brought on by my anxiety.  I end up over thinking everything and feeling so negative that I think there is no point to trying anymore.  Depression is the most tiring thing of all, I end up way over sleeping, not dressing, hardly moving except to the bathroom and maybe to sit in front of the TV watching rubbish this that requires very little brain power.  My anxiety when at its worst is like a spiral dragging me down, feeding on itself with negative thoughts.

Things that help me

Being organised and tidy with my things helps me feel in control.  Having my things in a set place where they live helps me.  Also sorting and rearranging is something I enjoy.

Cleaning also helps me feel a sense of control and it is satisfying seeing something look better than it did before.

Writing lists or mind mapping can help me to organise my thoughts somewhat and not feel so overwhelmed when I have a lot to do.  For example when I at university I found mind mapping helpful when the work load got heavier in my second year as it showed me how each little task led towards getting the bigger goal done.

Having certain loved ones around and friends helps to not only distract me, but sometimes helps me see the positive things in my life and feel better about myself.

Benefits

OCD and anxiety are things I would much rather be without, but they do have a few benefits.  I am more organised due to my OCD, having the things I need to hand more often than I might otherwise.  I plan things out more thoroughly which can be helpful at times.  It helps me to be tidy both in my living space, and in my personal appearance.  The fact that cleaning is something I find satisfying helps keep me hygienic.  I sometimes get things done faster and better thanks to my anxiety as it can play on mind that something needs doing, and I will do it quicker, but I am also anxious of doing a good job, so I am extra careful.

Please understand that I am not always so anxious or OCD and some days are better than others for me.  I have learnt to deal with some situations a lot better now, especially in public.  I am still trying hard to deal with my anxiety and OCD issues and find that I win the battle with my mind more often than I used to.  I think that my life is more stable at the moment which is helping a lot.  Also maturity has helped me; I understand myself better now and know more often when my OCD or anxiety is taking over, so can try to take steps to prevent it going too far.  When something stressful or upsetting is going on in my life I can fail to stop my anxiety, but it always seems to pass in the end.  I hope this blog post does not make others feel worried about doing or saying the right things in front of me.  I understand that other people have issues and that sometimes I just have to learn to deal with them.

How OCD and anxiety affects sufferers varies a great deal.  However I hope this blog post gives some insight into what it can be like to live with these issues.just-my-mind

Writing lyrics for therapy

In my last blog post I wrote about the songs which have affected me and helped me in some way with my emotions and feelings. This time I decided to share some of my own lyrics that I write. I find writing lyrics sometimes gives me a somewhat cathartic feeling, helping me to release my emotions. As I can’t write music you may like to think of these more as poems, although sometimes I do have a kind of tune going on in my head. I have been thinking about sharing my lyrics for a while now, but they have some very personal thoughts and feelings in them that I was not sure I was ready to share before. However I now feel that I am able to share them as I have got used to sharing so much with people in my blog.  I am not saying they are very good lyrics, but they do show how I sometimes feel and explain my mood swings somewhat maybe.

Feeling and Thinking (I see this as a sort of Scandinavian style Emo song)
I’m feeling very, very strange
But for me this is kind of normal
I’m feeling like a part of me just died
But I don’t think I’ve been fully alive for a long, long time

I am totally crazy
Or is this just a crazy world, where everybody feels insane?
I mean what is the definition of normal?
You left without explanation
You left me once again
I only asked for a reason
But I only got silent confusion

I’m feeling very, very sad
But for me this is kind of normal
I’m feeling like I should be glad
But I don’t think I’ve been fully happy
For a long, long time

I’m way over thinking
Every little thing that I do
I even think about thinking
I wish I knew what to do
It’s driving me MAD!

I’m feeling somewhat frightened

Depression (A fairly slow song, sung to a melancholy tune that sort of plods along in a heavy way much like depression)

I only have to think of you and I know I’m going to be sad
I know the feeling is going to take over for a while
I will lie there and play out everything we did in my mind
Then imagine the scenes that never even happened, happened to us
You become my fantasy man

The light is slowly fading away
The walls of the tunnel are closing in around me
I only wanted someone to guide me through the darkness
To hold my hand and show me the way
The walks of the tunnel are closing in around me

I live in my dream of what could be
In my dream it does not hurt as you don’t leave
I become what I can’t be
However I can’t quite escape reality
I will never be free

Where Do I Go From Here (A rock song with a somewhat angry guitar sound)

Please don’t go
Say It isn’t so
Say it’s something we can work on together
Close your eyes
Imagine us without each other
I can’t, can you?

Too late, you said goodbye
Where do I go from here?
Do I pick myself up?
Dust myself down?
And wait for another you?
Or do you think I’m better off alone?

One day
I might get my forever after
But right now
I must learn to deal with this
Just me
Right here on my own

You’re Messing with My Mind (this is a kind of Imelda May rockabilly style song with a heavy double bass sound)

You’re messing with my mind
You’re messing with my brain
You’re driving me totally insane
You ‘aren’t good for me
No, no, no
You bring out my bad side

You drink and you smoke
You like a good toak
You see this all as some great big joke
You ‘aren’t good for me
No, no, no
You bring out my crazy side

You got me feeling so confused
One minute you’re as nice as pie
Then next you are a nasty guy
What am I supposed to do?
I think I am in love with you

I’m messing with my heart
I do it all the time
I fall in love so fast
There’s no way it can last
No, no, no
I bring out my dumb side

Music and Me

“I think music in itself is healing.
It’s an explosive expression of humanity.
It’s something we are all touched by.
Everyone loves music.”
~ Billy Joel ~
Music seems to be one of the few things that people can agree on as being a good thing. Not everyone has the same taste in music, but most people seem to tolerate other music tastes and styles far more readily than they would other things. How many wars are started over music? None that I can think of (feel free to correct me if you think of one). Yes a few riots may have started such as Mods and Rockers and Punks, but that was more over the culture around the music, not the music itself. This is one of the reasons I think music is very important, it brings people together. It gives people an outlet to express how they are feeling in a safe way.
Music has always been an important part of my life ever since I can remember. When I struggled at school to make friends music was something I understood and could be a part of. It has helped me to join in conversations and make friends. I have often struggled with my emotions, but music has helped me to understand myself somewhat better with the ideas and feelings expressed in songs.
These are some of my favourite songs which help me when struggling with my mental health or during difficult times.
Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood- Nina Simone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ckv6-yhnIY For me it has to be the Nina version as she sings it with such emotion
I have always felt this song could be about me and my mood swings.
‘Ya know sometimes baby I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
And then sometimes it seems again that all I have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side

But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood’
When depressed I can have mood swings, where my mood can change very quickly. I can go from carefree and over the top happy to very down and worried about everything in the space of only a few minutes. I can get very angry at times and take my anger out on those around me including those I love. I do not mean to take it out on others and hope that they understand that I am just struggling with how I feel.
Ten Black Roses- The Rasmus 


The song sums up depression well for me.
‘Life is like a boat in the bottle
Try to sail, you can’t with no air
Day by day it only gets harder
Try to scream but nobody cares
Through the glass you see the same faces
Hear the voices play fade a drum
When your life’s a boat in a bottle
You’re surrounded, drifting alone’
Depression can feel for me like being trapped behind glass, stuck in the same place day after day. Like I am getting nowhere fast sometimes. I try to talk to people about things, but it can feel like nobody cares with the same people just ignoring my cries for help. No matter how many people I have around me when depressed I feel very alone.

Don’t Let Me Get Me- Pink

This song sums up how I feel about myself sometimes when having a bad time.

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Sometimes I know I am not helping myself, but I can’t seem to stop sabotaging my own life. It can feel like my own mind is against me. I annoy myself with my OCD a lot.
Something Beautiful- Robbie Williams
When yet again single I find this song seems to understand how I feel.
If you can’t wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you’re lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can’t control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won’t leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won’t be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something beautiful will come your way
I have spent time feeling very low about being single and worrying I will never find that special someone. I am not so good at going to bed when alone as my OCD and anxiety can be worse then, so when I eventually do get to sleep, I can struggle to get up in the morning. Trying to find that love that won’t leave me has led me to spend many a wasted hour of my life.
Cab- Train


How heartbreak felt for me when my first love left me and how it has felt somewhat since.
This new rhythm I pursue
Is just my getting over you
Telling myself that I need to

The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I’m the only cab on the road
This is about trying to distract yourself from the feelings of heartbreak and loneliness. I took on new volunteer jobs partly to give myself something to get up for each day and help me get over the past. It helped me with the day times to be busy and out of the house, but the nights were the hardest for me. It took me a long time to not feel sad or lonely at night about things. Sometimes you feel like you are the only person who ever felt that way, even though you know you are not really.
Not Like the Other Girls- The Rasmus
I have often felt very different to other girls, especially when I was at school and always dreamed of a man who would rescue me and take the pain away.
She’s fading away, away from this world.
Drifting like a feather, she’s not like the other girls.
She lives in the clouds and talks to the birds.
Hopeless little one she’s not like the other girls I know.
I have often retreated to my own world inside my head that I know is not real. I have been known to talk to birds, flowers, all kinds of non-human things as I can then have a conversation that goes the way I expect and not freak me out by going in a direction I never expected. (Although I have got better over the years at real conversation and did this more as a child and young adult.)
No more blame, I am destined to keep you sane.
The guy is going to look after her and make things better. He understands her issues. I always hoped a man would understand and try to help me. If only I could find the right man my problems would not be so bad. This is kind of my Gothic fantasy song about the perfect love for my messed up mind.
Somethings Coming- West Side Story
A song that gives me hope that things are going to change for the better soon. From one of my favourite musical films.
Could it be? Yes, it could
Something’s coming, something good if I can wait
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is
But it is gonna be great
I just have to wait a bit longer and something good will happen to me. Patience has never been a strong point of mine, but it reminds me that waiting can be worth it.
He/ She Danced With Me- The Slipper and the Rose
Another fantasy song about love. As a child I adored this song, I mean what girl does not want to be a princess for at least a day?
Though this lovely night was only a fantasy
And I know tonight is all there will ever be
Dancing in his arms forever
My heart will never be free!
Dreaming of the night he danced with me

Most Perfect loves are only a dream or fantasy which this song sums up well. You never truly have a free heart once you have had that first love, even if you do fall in love again. This song and the film it comes from helps me to escape reality for a while and have my dream.

Parachute- Train
My favourite pop/ rock love song.

when the world gets sharp and tries to cut you down to size
and makes you feel like giving in
oh, I will stay, I will rain, I will wash the words and pain away
and I will chase away the way we push
the way we pull
you’re beautiful

I’ll open up and be your parachute
and I’ll never let you down
so open up and be my human angel
and we’ll only hit the ground
running

I like the sentiment of this song, how he will never let her down and always be there for her no matter what. It helps me feel like there is that someone out there for me who will wash away the pain and help me to feel beautiful again.

Gabriel’s Oboe- Marricone

This is one of the most beautiful tunes I have ever heard. There are no lyrics for it being a classical tune written as the main theme for the film The Mission. I had not seen the film the first few times I heard this tune, but it did not matter as the music is so moving by itself. I find the tune both sad and uplifting at the same time. The part with the choir sounds like ascending into another world, a fantasy world perhaps or maybe the heavens.