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My Monthly Rant (sorry guys!)

‘Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I must speak.’ In this case about periods or menstrual cycles as they are also known. Periods are something all women experience (bar medical reasons) and when mine started I knew this. However this did not help me to feel any better about them. I know most girls find periods a bit scary or worrying at fist and take time to adjust to them, but I totally hated them. I became afraid of my periods. As someone with OCD the messiness of them did my head in. I struggled with sanitary pads since I always had issues with certain things against my skin, which is an autistic trait I had much more when younger. I briefly tried tampons, but with my bad hip struggled to use them. Then there were the stomach cramps which at times had me doubled over in pain crying. Puberty and hormones are all part of being a teenager, but add in autism and OCD and you get one very messed up person. I hated how periods made me feel mentally each month. In the end the anxiety got so bad my mum took me to see the doctor.

The doctor put me on ‘the pill’ which was life changing. I had more control over when I had a period, so could time it for when I had less stressful things going on. The pill made my periods a bit lighter which made them easier to deal with. My stomach cramps became less frequent and less intense. Gradually I became less afraid of my periods and learnt to cope with them. I am very grateful my mum took me to the doctor and got me on the pill, which I still use to this day.

I got used to sanitary pads in the end. I learned which ones I found most comfortable and worked for my needs. However over the years buying pads has become trickier. They keep coming up with new versions and the choice is now huge. I can spend ages in some shops just staring at the range of pads trying to find the ones I want. I also find a kind I like, and then they change them or stop stocking them. I would rather they kept it simple. I mean who an earth came up with ‘wings’, are my pads supposed to fly?! I think the idea is they are supposed to keep the pad from bunching up so it stays flat, but in my experience they tend to make things worse if anything. Before you even use the wings I find they often stick to themselves. I like the pads without wings, which you can still get, but are becoming increasingly rare. Larger shops tend to still stock then, but smaller shops often do not. Then there are pads with added fragrance, often aloe-Vera, which considering how many women are sensitive in that area seems daft. The fragrance can irritate and make things sore and just how much are other people going to smell a woman’s intimate area anyway? A fairly new one is ‘discreet’ pads. Supposedly rustle free wrapping for use in public toilets (although they don’t seem all that rustle free to me). However as a woman in woman’s toilets I do not mind if I hear other women unwrapping pads, it is hardly unexpected or offensive. Besides I hardly ever notice the noise from other cubicles anyway and it was a non issue for me.

Some sanitary pads seem ludicrously expensive, I will admit I do not use the cheapest brands, they feel plastic like and often do not stick down well, but the mid price range seem fine to me. Although sometimes you have to use what you can get in an emergency. Recently I saw an article online about tax on sanitary wear, often known as ‘the tampon tax’. It is wrong to tax sanitary wear when other items deemed essential are not taxed or at least have reduced tax. Although one woman was quoted as spending at least £10 a month on her sanitary wear which is far more than I have ever paid. I do realise how lucky I am to have cotton soft pads now. My mum told me about sanitary belts which sound very uncomfortable and tedious. They were an elastic belt used to hold pads in place before the invention of self-adhesive pads.

Is it just me or are adverts for sanitary products really daft? I do not do most of the things the women in the adverts do even during the rest of the month when I am not on my period. I have a really good sanitary product now so I can do anything, no, it does not make me super woman. Then there are the adverts trying to sell my pads almost as if they were a fashion product with pretty floral designer pattern on them, err why? I don’t care if you draw floral patterns on the pads or not, what I want to know is do they stick well and do they absorb well?!

I am now fine with my periods mostly. This may sound daft, but I am actually quite proud of myself for overcoming this issue. I am glad I live in a more open time when periods can be discussed more than they used to be and sex education in schools is getting better. I found the talk the school nurse gave us in year seven (aged eleven/ twelve) somewhat helpful. However I do think some girls need more support in learning to cope with periods, especially special needs girls with learning difficulties or anxiety related conditions or autism. Girls need help with the emotional side of periods as well as the practical physical side. I am very glad my mum never hid periods from me and I always knew they were something to expect. It must be terrifying to get one without knowing what it is, which I gather used to happen more than it does now.

Before anyone male complains I know boys also have puberty and hormonal issues, especially as teenagers, but not being male I have nothing I can say on this, other than I think they also need good sex education in school and probably more emotional support than they often get.

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Some things I hate

I Hate…

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OCD, on certain days it really controls me and seems to take over. My worst traits at the moment are often to do with my hair having to be perfectly neat and my bedtime routine. On days when I am really struggling with my OCD I can be afraid to go to bed. OCD nags at me and gets exhausting at times. I am glad not all days are as bad as others.

Being autistic at a confusing level. Being Asperger or high functioning level means that I am more than aware I am autistic, but still seem to have very little control over it, so I just know I mess up a lot. Being aware of my faults, but unable to do much about them is very frustrating.

When I clearly have said something wrong and upset someone, but am not quite sure what I said that was wrong. Knowing me I spoke my mind too freely, said too much or I have been told I can come across as somewhat self centred, but I never mean to. Then if you ask someone what you did wrong not knowing sometimes makes you appear even more self centred.

My anxiety issues with people I care about. I worry too much if they are happy or content when with me and sometimes ask if they are OK too many times, till they get annoyed with me. When alone I can annoy myself by worrying if they miss me as much as I miss them or is it a relief for them to have a break from me? I am often unsure of the right balance between giving someone space and showing I care.

My mind in one of its frequent over thinking states when I am alone. I end up getting emotional or anxious, over dramatising things in my head. I can work myself up into a sad or angry state.

How tired I feel a lot of the time. Day time naps no longer seem to help as much as they used to. Often I feel drained or lethargic. Is it my OCD and anxiety that cause it?

People who say things like ‘you’ve done so well considering’ or ‘you’re so brave’ or give you that look as if to say ‘ah bless the special needs person’. I know they mean well, but it is patronising. How do they know that actually for me I am having a bad day and on a good day I can actually pass them by unnoticed and do not come across as special needs at all.

How messed up my posture is from my hip issue. Years of limping and using walking aids such as crutches have left me with shoulder, neck and back problems. They can really hurt at times. My spine now has a slight curve and I am often rounded at the shoulders. On bad days it can cause me to walk somewhat wrong and give me pain in my feet. I hate knowing that as I age this might get worse and I could be one of those bent over old people you see that can hardly stand upright. I do exercises most days that were given to me by physiotherapy, they do not take long and do help somewhat with the pain, but they will never cure it and are tedious to do when I am not in the right mood.

People who say getting a job is easy if I really wanted one. They do not know how hard I tried to get paying work. They should try it with autism, mental health issues, benefit money issues and living in a small seaside town.

Depression days that are so crippling now and then I can not even dress and leave my flat. These are the days when my mental health issues win. I let people down, spend too much time alone and then end up annoyed with myself. I am too low to fully function and my OCD too bad to dress fully.

I am not saying things are always this bad, but during bad phases these are the things that get me down. I think writing them down and sharing them with others helps me feel less anxious about them somewhat.

Communication

I communicate a lot with my family and friends electronically using text messages, social media and email. I know a lot of people communicate this way now, but it has been brought to my attention that I may do this more than most people my age. This post looks at why I like to use electronic communication so much.

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Practicality

My relatives live spread out across the country in many different counties. I also have friends that live a long way from me that I met at university. I find the internet a fantastic way to stay in touch with people at a distance. I send letters and cards by post, more than a lot of people do these days, but post takes time and often I want a much quicker response. Also the cost of postal services seems to be getting more and more expensive.

Staying in Touch

I would of lost contact with a lot of people if it was not for Facebook. This includes friends from university, people I met at various events and distant relatives. I have never had many friends and would like to keep the ones I have got. I also managed to get back in touch with a few friends from school that I had previously not spoken with in many years.

Generational

From about my age group and below it just seems to be the natural way people communicate. Although some do so less than others, it is common to use Facebook messenger to stay in touch with friends and even family. Text messaging seems to be becoming normal for people of all age groups now including my parents generation. I am a little bit too old to have had a mobile phone or the internet as a small child, but since I was about fourteen I have regularly used the internet to chat with friends. I got my first mobile phone when I was about sixteen when I decided it would be practical since I was at college and that is what everyone else was using. A lot of my university friends are three or four years younger than me and some of them seem to use electronic communications as much as I do. They grew up with it from a younger age so it is what they are used to. At university I actually would have missed out on things if I was not on Facebook. We would invite each other to parties and nights out using Facebook as it was a great way to invite a lot of people at once. We would use Facebook messenger to group chat as it was very handy for us as drama students to share ideas or work out rehearsal times for our practicals.

Autism Friendly

My autism sometimes makes face to face chat harder for me than it might be for some people. I struggle with eye contact; even my diagnostic report says that I do. When I talk I tend to get carried away and say too much or the wrong thing. When I have to write down what I want to say first either online or in a text message it means I can look back at it and have time to think about what I am saying. It means I am less likely to say the wrong thing and can cut out the waffle, get to the point better. It is common for autistic people to use the internet to chat; it has less social skills to learn, although there are some social rules and I by no means always get them right online. I do enjoy face to face chat, but it can be more tiring for me sometimes and often requires more effort, although this depends who I am talking to and on the situation. Face to face people use non-verbal communication such as body language which can be tricky for autistics to pick up on. There is less hidden meaning in written text chat. I feel like I am more in control with this way of chatting. I do not have to talk to someone when I am not in the mood. If I am having a bad day mentally I can chose to ignore a text message or email and deal with it later when I am more able to. This way I do not upset people and take my bad moods out on them. I do use the phone, but have never been totally comfortable with it. Once I start chatting on the phone I often relax and am fine, but the initial thought of it sometimes makes me anxious. So text messaging is often easier for me. (Although I am getting better with making phone calls and do makes calls when I need to.) Another thing I like about written communication is the more definite response rather than ‘hmm’ or a nod of the head that I can often misunderstand. Even an OK or emoticon is at least a response that shows they took on board what I was saying. I find there is less pressure and less hassle with this way of communicating.

Can Just Say It

I like how I can say what I need to whilst I think of it with electronic communication. If I am not sure if someone is free to chat at the time I can still text or email for them to read later before I forget what I was going to say. Plus sometimes I have to say stuff as I get anxious if I do not. I worry if I do not say certain things as soon as I can to people. I do not mind if people read it later as long as I know it is out there.

Writing is my Skill

Writing is something I am quite good at and I feel confident at it. When talking in person it sometimes gets misunderstood. When I write I seem better at putting at my point across.

How Others Want to Communicate

It often seems to be how others want to communicate with me. Maybe they find it easier as I can bore people with my over talking in person. Also I have no land line phone and calling a mobile phone can be costly so maybe texting or emailing is just cheaper for people. I have relatives who email me rather than phone. I think this could be as they do not know when I am free to talk and do not want to disturb me if busy. I Facebook with some relatives responding to statues and comments as it seems a good way to communicate with each other when we do not actually know each other very well in person. This way I am getting to know them without so much pressure. I text with some family since they are often busy and they do not have time to see me face to face or phone very often.

This way of communicating does come with its own problems. When I do not want to talk I can chose not to, but in turn others can do the same to me. If people ignore me for short periods I am fine, but if it goes on for long periods it can worry me. The trouble is these days people are often expected to be instantly available 24 hours a day when it is not always possible. Another problem is of course when technology lets us down. What with lack of phone signal or devices breaking down or running out of charge sometimes old fashioned post or face to face is just easier.

I do not mind which way people choose to communicate with me, be it face to face or electronically. It is just nice when people want to chat with me.

Social skills are just that, a skill

‘A social skill is any skill facilitating interaction and communication with others. Social rules and relations are created, communicated, and changed in verbal and nonverbal ways. The process of learning these skills is called socialization. For socialization, Interpersonal skills are essential to relate one another.’ (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_skills).

You may not think that socialising requires a set of skills, but it does. Some people are better at these skills than others. I found learning these skills difficult and still struggle with them at times. I am getting better at socialising, but still have things to learn.

After a while a lot of people tire of me. I know I can be hard work to spend a lot of time with. In fact I find myself hard work to spend a lot of time with, hence I do not like to be alone for too long. The trouble is I also find socialising hard work sometimes so things do not always go smoothly. On a bad day when I am tired or something has annoyed me I can get worse at dealing with people.

I try to join in conversations with others, but sometimes seem to bore people. My recent autism diagnosis report says I sometimes miss social cues from others and my conversation can lack flexibility. So I guess it can seem like I am giving a lecture which has to be tedious for those listening. To make matters worse the report also says my speech can lack variation in pitch at times which could make me sound like a robot stating facts. If I had not studied drama I dread to think how even more dull my speech could sound. (I think my drama training has helped me understand others a bit better, especially when it comes to reading emotions.)

I can go into excessive detail at times and do not always realise others have lost interest according to my autism report. Since reading my report I have noticed sometimes when people are trying to move conversation on and I am trying to allow conversation to flow more, but it is not always easy for me. When I am passionate about a topic I tend to get carried away. However I realise not everyone is interested in the same things as me to the same degree.

I seem to struggle when people do not sure my point of view. I know others will have different opinions on things and I am fine with this in theory, but sometimes in discussions I find myself not excepting that people may think differently about something from me. I am told I can come across as dictatorial at times, but I honestly do respect other people’s opinions. I am trying to work on coming across better.

cf4fa83670592037a4daeebdf19cd33b--social-skills-social-workI need to take note of this!

I am argumentative which obviously is not a good thing. I do not always think I am right and do not think I know it all. I am often wrong about things, but have been told I can come across as a know it all sometimes. This is not how I feel about myself and do not like this description of me. I need to let others speak more, interrupt less and at times bite my tongue. Sometimes saying nothing can be better than saying something that upsets people. Knowing when to express my opinions is tricky. Sometimes it feels as if people would prefer me to act brain-dead and follow the heard so to speak, regardless of my own thoughts. Maybe I do not express myself well and my points come across wrong. I have been accused of being overly negative and selfish quite a few times, which I really try not to be and hope to change to this opinion some people have of me. Although lately I am starting to think it does not matter what some people think of me as it will not actually affect my life long-term anyway.

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

I often find large social gatherings hard work. They are often fun, but require a lot of effort as there is usually a wide range of people to negotiate. I have often been known to end up saying the wrong thing to someone and only realising ages later or someone points it out to me.

If you could take a class on social skills for adults I would. Adults are expected to have picked up social skills as a child, and although I did to some extent, clearly I still have a lot to learn.

Thoughts on why I am still unemployed

‘Many managers make a hiring decision within the first 90 seconds of meeting you’ (Clare Whitmell writing in the Guardian).  The exact time of judgement in an interview varies according to different sources, but all agree it is within the first few minutes.  As an autistic person I think this puts me at a disadvantage.  I do not think I always make a very good first impression.  I take a few minutes to work some situations out.  My OCD often plays up when I first enter a new situation, with me worrying about my hair or clothing.  It often depends how stressed or nervous I am beforehand, which can often be related to how well my journey to the place went.  Once the interview really gets going and I am distracted my OCD almost always dies down and I am fine again.

I think interviews are often not suited to autistic people.  I like to plan ahead, at least in my head, but I often can’t do this very well for interviews as I often do not know what kind of interview it will be.  Will it be one on one, a panel, a group interview with tasks, who knows?  This means I can be thrown in at the deep end, although sometimes employers do give you a good idea of what will happen in advance and this can help.  I prefer one on one interviews mostly as they are a lot less stressful with only one person to focus on at a time.

I am aware that I often talk way too much, so in an interview I try to say less.  However I think sometimes I end up not saying enough and going too quite in interviews.  I struggle to get the balance between saying too much or too little.  I have always been bad at picking up on social cues as to when I should and should not speak.

Maybe I just do not interview well and it has nothing to do with my autism, but I suspect it has at least something to do with it.  I have had so many interviews and yet still have no job.  I cannot think of another reason for it in most cases.  I dress well, turn up on time, answer all the questions sensibly and am always polite.  Employers are often vague as to why they did not hire me, leaving me to suspect that I come across as somewhat odd or ‘special’.

I might be going for the wrong type of work that does not suite me, but I am not sure what other kinds of work I should go for or how you even get other kinds of jobs.  I would really like some decent careers advice, but this seems surprisingly hard to get.  The Job Centre were less than helpful, asking me what kinds of work I would like, rather than trying to find out if a different kind of work would suite me better.  (After over two years in the system you might think they would.)  I have done almost all the courses the Job Centre has to offer.  I can get the interview, for me that is the easy part, which is annoying as once you reach interview the Job Centre seem to think that is it.  Job courses seem aimed at people who lack any kind of qualifications which is not the case for me.  Courses very rarely spend much time on interview techniques and seem to concentrate on the CV and job searching stage.

It has been suggested by numerous people that self-employment is the way to go.  However they never suggest what work I should do to achieve this.  I do not have a hard skill such as plumbing or carpentry that people need and despite trying cannot think of a good business idea.  Also once you start your own business the benefits you are on get cut and what am I supposed to live on whilst I wait for the business to make a profit, if it ever does?  Plus I want a job that gets me out of my flat, not stuck working from home.  Too much time alone is not good for me.  I know autistics are often said to prefer being alone and I do like time to myself, but too much time alone and my own thoughts start driving me mad.  I end up over thinking with my OCD getting worse and my anxiety flaring up.

‘It’s not what you know, but who you know’ as the expression goes.  Clearly this is true as some people seem to get a job from knowing someone in the company and not from being very good at it.  However most people I know are also unemployed or retired and were in the wrong line of work for me when they did have a job.

Someone suggested I try the online careers planner from Prospects (www.prospects.ac.uk/planner).  It asks a lot of work and personality related questions and then suggests suitable jobs for you.  Almost all of the job suggestions it made for me were obscure and not very realistic outside of a major city.  The first job it suggested was a trade union research officer, a job I have never heard of before, let alone seen advertised.

I think I would suit office work, but not really sure how to go about getting it.  I looked at NHS administration jobs as it was yet another suggestion from someone, but a lot of the jobs require you to know how to use computer programs I have not heard of and I suspect mean they are looking for internal candidates who have learnt to use these NHS only programs.  How an earth do you learn to use them in the first place and get your foot in the door?  A lot of office administration work these days requires you to be able to do a lot more than it used to such as accounts and pay role so they do not have to hire another person to do that.  I do not trust my maths skills to do accounts and doubt I could do pay role either.

People judge me too quickly.  I would love a chance to prove myself to an employer, but they never give me time.

Officially a freak and relived

I have always known there was something a bit different about me and I have long suspected I have autism, but no one actually sent me for testing till I was thirty one. I had to actually ask for it and then wait over a year for the appointment at the clinic. It took three appointments, two of testing and one for the results. I had to take a close family member with me, in my case my mum and she also had to answer a load of questions about me and my childhood. (Not so easy to remember everything over twenty years later!) I am now officially diagnosed as high functioning autistic or what used to be known as Asperger’s, but they changed it to reflect the fact that high functioning covers more types of people with it. They asked me how I felt about the diagnosis, so I said relieved, it helps explain a lot about me. It also helps me explain myself to others at times and I am hoping in future will help with things like benefit claims or getting job seekers support.

Not long after my diagnosis I found a fantastic book in the library called Freaks, Geeks and Asperger’s Syndrome by Luke Jackson. He wrote it when he was thirteen and it is a brilliant insight into what it is like to have high functioning autism. I can relate to a lot of what he says and he helps me to explain things better to others. I will use some quotes from the book as jumping off points for me to discuss my autism.

AS (Asperger’s Syndrome) is usually described as a mild form of autism, but believe me, though the good outweighs the bad, there are some bits that are most certainly not mild.’ You try telling the parent of a screaming child far too old to be having a temper tantrum in the middle of the street that it is mild! I remember wishing it was less mild sometimes then at least they may have taken my problems more seriously in school, but of course I am glad it is not any worse.

When we didn’t know and didn’t have a diagnosis (or were not told about it) it was a million times worse than you can imagine.’ ‘You may think that if the child or person you are seeing has lots of AS traits, but you can’t fit them neatly into your checklist of criteria, you are doing them a favour by saying that they haven’t got it. In fact this doesn’t make them not have AS, it just muddles them up more and makes them and all around them think they are even more ‘freakish’.’ Quite a few people have asked me if I really needed a diagnosis, would it not better just to be happy with myself as I am. I get where they are coming from, but knowing is better than not knowing, as it means you can understand yourself a lot better and so can others. I remember being bullied as the class freak and weirdo. I was the odd child that did not quite fit in and I never had any way to explain myself. If I had been diagnosed it may have helped school to help me and it might have helped me to feel like at least I was not a total looser and freak.

To be on the autistic spectrum is not the same as being on death row- it is not a death sentence, it is not terminal, it is merely a name for a lifelong set of behaviours’. So if you suspect you child has autism push for them to get tested for it and do not ignore it. It is not the worst thing that they could be diagnosed with and it may even help them to know they have it. It could help them find support and maybe even get taught in school in a way that is more useful to them.

I can imagine how adults have gone all their lives confused and misunderstood would seem as if they had a severe mental illness. I am sure it would cause depression too.’ I have suffered from depression in the past and have anxiety issues which I am sure are not helped by my autism. I think that if I had been diagnosed and helped at a younger age it might have helped me to not develop such bad mental health issues. Not knowing what was wrong with me as a child did cause me to feel very isolated and frightened at times, which I know made me more of an anxious person and depressed.

I just have to talk about it and the irritation at being stopped can easily develop into raging fury.’ I have always been known as a chatterbox, but for me not talking as a child just seemed wrong, if I had a thought I had to express it out loud. To not be able to express my thoughts was very upsetting and I felt like if I did not express them they would get louder and louder in my head till they were too much to handle. I used to get very angry if I was interrupted or prevented from talking to the point I would scream and shout just to be heard. Although I still talk a lot, I no longer feel I have to express every single thought that comes into my head and have learnt to be quieter in some situations.

Seem to speak rather differently and have difficulties understanding a lot of other forms of communication such as facial expressions and body language. These can be learned to a certain extent I think.’ I now think I am quite good at recognising facial cues and reading body language, but it took years of practise to get this far. I sometimes struggled to understand people when they were not being literal. People seemed to make jokes about things that I did not find funny at all. I understood that it was sarcasm, but I often found I did not like the joke. I think my performing arts and drama studies have helped me a lot in understanding body language, expression and emotion in others.

It seems as if the taste buds are over or under developed.’ It is to do with the presentation, the texture and the smell of food as well as them needing sameness.’ I had a huge thing about the texture of my food as a child, I hated any lumps or bits at all, I even hated bread with seeds in. I wanted all my food smooth like a paste when I was very young. Bits felt very wrong in my mouth and hard to swallow. Now however I love texture in my food and adore seedy bread.

Most AS kids genuinely have a really hard time with games.’ I hated PE in school, sometimes for me it was like a form of torture. I had one teacher who accused me of being lazy, but it was not that at all. It was the fact I would have to change, and then change back again, which with my OCD was one of the hardest tasks they could set me to do by myself as a child. The whole changing into a PE kit thing seemed pointless to me anyway as I could barely catch the ball, let alone do much with it, so I never broke into a sweat. I was unable to keep up with team sports and my coordination for catching and throwing is woeful. It was not helped by the fact that I had no friends whatsoever in my first secondary school and whoever ended up with me on their team resented me for it.

It is very unfair of the media to portray us all as people who talk continually about train timetables or constantly talk about dates or facts, or computers. We are called freaks and nerds enough anyway.’ ‘Despite the film Rain Man, we don’t all have these amazing mathematical skills- I wish!’ ‘Savant autistic is very rare- I seem to have got the nerdiness and freakishness, but none of the genius. These programs seem to make Joe Public think we should all have some seemingly supernatural ability and that is not at all helpful.’ I have in fact got terrible maths skills; one teacher even suggested I might have a maths learning disability. I am now able to use enough maths to be able to function in everyday life, but as for fractions and algebra I never understood them. I find train timetables very useful for catching trains, but dull as ditch water to discuss at any length. I can be very nerdy at times, but I really do lack the genius part, I actually had to work very hard to get to the degree I now have and was never a child prodigy at anything.

I just don’t want to run with the pack. I don’t see the point in pretending to like things when I don’t.’ I never seemed to like the same things at school as everyone else and I most definitely did not fit in with the social life my friends had at college. I could never understand why they wanted to go out drinking heavily and end up in some nightclub listening to awful music. I never saw the point in pretending to like things just so people would be my friend as they would not have been true friends anyway. I was bullied for being different in school and was actually quite depressed for some of my teenage years, but I never saw why I should have to fit in just to please them.  Both at university and now I have made real friends who actually have some of the same interests as me and we enjoy spending time together.

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For the want of a diagnosis

I have been trying to define my mental illness for years.  I decided that I have a combination of mental health and learning disorders that overlap and interfere with each other.  However apart from OCD I do not actually have anything else officially diagnosed in my medical notes as far as I am aware.  I have been told by medical professionals and therapists I clearly have other issues going on, but they have always failed to define exactly what it is I have.  I do not fit the boxes society likes to categorise people into, which is a problem when it comes to certain things.  I seem to have high functioning or borderline conditions that taken separately do not seem that bad, but together make me frankly a mess at times.

One of the hardest things to do when you do not have an officially diagnosed illness or overlapping ones is to fill out a government form.  Recently applying for Employment Support Allowance benefit was very tricky.  I failed a medical assessment as I did not have any medical evidence apart from OCD and I come across as coping quite well when I talk about things.  The initial form and medical seemed to take each issue separately and failed to take into account how my conditions interact with each other.  Luckily at my appeal tribunal they did seem to look at my issues as a combination of things and how they affect me as a whole person.  Also they allowed my key worker at the time to speak up for me and say how it really is, which the initial form had far less room to do.

School was made harder by not having my mental health and learning disorders diagnosed.  If things had been diagnosed they could have gone on my statement of need, which hopefully would have been read by my teachers and then they could have helped me more in the right ways or at least have given me more understanding.  Instead I had a deputy headmaster who told me I was attention seeking and that my crying was crocodile tears.  I think the fact that I am verbally articulate and read and write well contributed to schools not picking up on my issues and suggesting I should be tested for anything.

Getting a job has proved very difficult for me.  Two seasonal part time jobs are the total extent of my paid work history, despite getting many interviews and most of them seeming to go well.  I can not explain my mental health and learning disabilities to potential employers, as I am not exactly sure what to tell them.  It can be hard to explain high functioning; overlapping conditions, even harder when you can’t even put a name to what it is you have exactly.  So my guess is that in interviews I may sometimes come across as a bit odd or different, something employers can’t quite put their finger on seems to be putting them off me.

I have had a few attempts at therapy over the years, but again without knowing exactly what I have it can be hard to get the right help.  I have mainly had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for my OCD.  Well this has helped a little, it never seems to get past the initial stages before my therapy sessions run out or I hit some other obstacle that makes it difficult.  For a start therapy only seems to deal with one issue at a time, which makes it hard for me.  I try to carry on my therapy at home only to find it triggers other issues I have such as my emotional behavioural problems, so I end up taking out my stress on those around me in anger or crying and getting depressed.  I would like to find some therapy that helps me deal with my issues as a whole taking into account how they interact with each other.  However it seems very hard to get any kind of therapy without named conditions and the types of therapy available on the NHS seem very limited.

Since I started writing this blog progress seems to be happening on trying to diagnose me.  I have an appointment at the autism clinic fairly soon.  The appointment took well over a year to come since being put on the waiting list, which is so long I had almost forgotten I was on the list.  I have wanted to know for certain if I am autistic for many years.  I am pretty sure I have high functioning autism, but an official diagnosis on my medical notes would really help.  It took me changing doctors surgeries and having a mini break down for my mental health issues to be taken seriously for the first time in a long while.  I actually had a mental health assessment with a mental health nurse for the first time as an adult, my last one being when I was about eleven.  She seemed to really understand my issues and made sure that something was done to help me.  I asked if I could have an assessment for autism and she actually said that would be a good idea.  No one in twenty-nine years before that had referred me to the autism clinic despite seeing therapists on and off since I was a teenager and clearly having problems.

I hope to get a definitive diagnosis soon so I can start to make sense of who I am, but also just to make my life that little bit easier when it comes to filling in forms and sorting things out.