The person behind the blog

About-me.png

I thought it would be good to share more about me and my personality so you can get to know the person behind the blog. These are words and phrases I associate with myself.

  • Total Hip Replacement/ Perthes Disease– As of August 2011 I have had a false left hip, done aged 25, made of plastic and ceramic with a metal stem. I had it done due to osteoarthritis in the hip brought on early by childhood hip issue Perrthes Disease.

  • OCD– Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, diagnosed aged twelve.

  • Autism/ Aspergers– I was diagnosed aged thirty-one, but have suspected I have it for years.

  • Disabled- I am less physically disabled now than I used to be thanks to my hip replacement, but know that it will not last for ever. Also my mental health can make me feel somewhat disabled at times. Autism is not a disability as such if you see it as just a different way of thinking, but it is often classed as one such as when applying for benefits or educational support.

  • Social Housing– I live in social housing,which is what used to be known as council housing in the UK, but now run by different housing associations. I have been living in my one bed flat since Easter 2016 and I really like it.

  • Benefits– I receive government benefits. Currently I get Employment Support Allowance as for various mental health reasons I can not work full time right now. I also get housing benefit to help with my rent. I have in the past had Disability Living Allowance, now changed to Personal Independents Payments, but I am not eligible for it at this current time.

  • Volunteer– I have been volunteering for various local charities and good causes since I was seventeen. It helps me to get out more, make friends, learn work related skills and add to my CV. I currently help a community craft shop, do administration work for my local community centre and help another charity run their Facebook page.

  • Drama Degree– I graduated the University of Lincoln with a BA (Hons) Drama degree in 2011. I really enjoyed my three years there.

  • Sister/ Aunt– I have one older brother and am an aunt to his two children, a nephew and a niece. I love being an aunt.

  • Devon– My home county where I lived all of my life, apart from time away for university.

  • Crafting– I have been making cards to send people for years. I now also make small things to sell under the name The Gothic Butterfly. I have a small shelf in a local craft shop and a Facebook page. I decorate gift boxes and bags, make gift tags, book marks and other small objects.

  • Colouring- Now it is very popular to do adult colouring, but I was doing it before it was so easy to even get adult colouring books. I find it helps me to relax and distracts me from my anxiety.

  • Theatre– A life long love of mine is going to the theatre to see many kinds of performances. I love musicals, plays, ballet and modern dance. I also enjoy some opera and stand up comedy, although I am a bit more fussy about which of these I would go to see.

  • Pub Quizzes– I enjoy going to various pub quizzes regularly with a group of my friends. Not only is it fun to take part and test out how much general knowledge I have, it is a good way to socialise.

  • Writer– I have always enjoyed writing and have had good feedback for my writing more so than anything else in my life. As well as this blog, I write a daily diary which I helpful to explore my thoughts and feelings. Writing for me can be kind of therapy. I also have pen pals around he world I write letters to.

  • Internet– I love the internet, it is somewhat of an addiction for me I admit, but it has been such a help to me during low periods of my life I do not care. Social media is for me a tool that I can use to express myself and keep in touch with friends which as an autistic person I always find quite tricky. I mainly use Facebook, but I also occasionally use Instergram for photo sharing. I obviously use the internet to share this blog and like most people use email. I also use the internet for a variety of other functions which I have written about before in a previous post.

  • Cafes/ Coffee Shops– I really like to drink coffee and hang out in coffee shops. Although I do go to pubs sometimes, I tend to spend more money and time in cafes. I often get quite tired from my mental and physical health issues, cafes are a good place to go and recharge my batteries when out. I like the relaxed, often friendly atmosphere of a cafe. I also really like coffee and cake.

  • Television– I watch a lot of TV. I find it helps with my mental health to distract me from my own anxious thoughts and not over think negativity about things in my life. I also really enjoy certain programs. I really like Call the Midwife and Doctor Who. I like some documentaries and have learnt a lot from watching many on the BBC. I also like some sitcoms and animated comedy such as American Dad.

  • Music– I enjoy listening to music a great deal. My favourite bands are The Rasmus, a Finnish rock band and Train, American soft rock. I enjoy the music of old bands such as Pink Floyd, the Kinks and the Mamas and the Papas. I like a lot of funk music from the 1970s and 80s. I like a lot of musicals show tunes. Also when in certain moods I enjoy classical music.

  • Cheese– A life long love of mine is cheese, I even ate strong blue cheese as a small child. I am yet to find a cheese I do not like (apart from goats cheese, which has an after taste I dislike).

  • Dark Purple– This has been a colour I have been drawn to all of my life. I like it in nature, in things that I wear and around my flat. I am not sure why this is, but I remember liking purple things from a very young age.

Writing this you would think would of been easy, but it was harder than I thought it would be.  I had to work out how much I wanted to reveal about myself and what things I even do associate with myself.  Other people may associate different things with me, but this is how I see myself.

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Common Sense and Respect for the Disabled Please

This is a rant, a rant about things disabled people hate, at least some disabled people. Not everything on the list will affect all disabled people and these are just what I have experienced and observed.

People who judge others for using disabled facilities such as toilets and parking spaces without knowing them. I used to have a disabled parking badge due to not being able to walk very far without getting tired or in pain, but I did not always use a walking aid. Sometimes people would stare at me as if to say, why have you got a badge when you can walk. I got the same look sometimes when I would come out of a disabled toilet. They did not know me or my situation and it was none of their business why I needed to use disabled facilities, but even a look can make you feel judged. I have heard stories of people getting notes left on their cars for parking in disabled spots being accused of using someone else’s badge when it was their own!

Bus drivers who refuse to let a disabled person on as it would mean them having to get up to get the ramp out or having to ask someone with a push chair to fold it and move seats. The space at the front of a bus is not for a pushchair, the signs clearly state it is a disabled space, yet some drivers do not seem to enforce this. Bus drivers who refuse a disabled person are discriminating against them. A recent court case that went all the way to the Supreme Court found in favor of the disabled claimant in that ‘the court said the company should consider further steps to persuade non-wheelchair users to move, without making it a legal duty to move them,’ (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-38663322). So it is an ongoing battle with some drivers to get a space on a bus.

When a disabled toilet is used as a storage area or left out of order for a long time. Sometimes it feels like the disabled toilet is only there as a legal requirement and the company do not actually care if you can use it or not. For example a pub near me uses their disabled toilet to store things. You can still technically use the toilet, but the rails are blocked by things, and a lot of disabled people need the rails. My local supermarket has had an out of order disabled toilet for about a month now. Businesses are being short sighted when it comes to disabled toilets sometimes as it could lose them business. For example when I am on a night out with some of my friends, some of them are very disabled and we would choose to not go to a bar that we knew had bad disabled facilities. This would mean them losing out on not only the disabled persons custom but all their friends custom as well.

Shops that give little or no thought to disabled customers. Really heavy doors can be a  problem. When I was on crutches I used to use my body to push the door open, but with heavier doors this was tricky. For those with arthritic hands and wrists heavy doors can be impossible. Automatic doors are better for disabled customers, or at least a lighter door. Then once inside the shop the lack of space between rails or shelving can be an issue. Some clothing shops have over full rails that are too closely packed for a wheelchair user to get past. I used to knock things off sometimes in crutches if I was not careful. I have noticed that some shops have too much stock piled up on the floor between shelving units which can mean no space for a wheelchair or walking frame to turn around. Without the space to move disabled customers will shop elsewhere.

Poorly maintained pavements and walkways. Loose paving slabs and crumbling tarmac can be a trip hazard for anyone, but even more so for those with walking aids. I used to trip up on loose slabs when I was on crutches and this could hurt my hip quite a lot. People in wheelchairs can fall out of their chair if the wheels get caught up on loose slabs or in pot holes.

Dog waste and rubbish left on pavements and paths. It is unpleasant for anyone to have to smell and see, but for the disabled it can be very annoying. Dog waste can get on the wheels of someone’s chair and it can mean dragging it around. It is not always easy to see the ground right in front of your wheels to know to avoid it. Blind people also have obvious problems with dog waste since they cannot see it to walk around it. Rubbish can also be a problem since it can get caught up the wheels of a chair and then cause the chair to not move smoothly. I have noticed a significant increase in both dog waste and litter in the last few years and this shows a lack of respect for both other people and the environment.

People who park in front of drop down curbs on pavements or park on the pavement. A disabled person may not be able to cross the road without a drop down curb and may have to go an awful long way to find the next one, which could take them a long way out of where they want to be. There is a convince store in my town that people often park outside to pop in quickly, but they often park in front of the drop down curb. They often say they will not be very long, but what If the queue is long or they get distracted by something else? Parking on the pavement is just as bad as it means a disabled person may not be able to get passed. Often this means a disabled person will have to go back on themselves for ages and divert a long way round or simply not be able to get where they want to go. I have often had to walk into the road to get around a car and some disabled people simply cannot do that.

People who talk for you or to your companion about you when you are right next to them. This seems to happen especially to those in a wheelchair, it is as if because your legs do not work nor can your mind to talk properly. This is patronising and rude. When I was younger if this happened when I was with my parents I would just start talking anyway and join in showing them I was more than capable of talking for myself, in fact they might have more trouble getting me to be quite! Sure some people do have learning difficulties that come with a physical disability, but even then it still does not mean they cannot talk for themselves in most cases.

Poorly designed disabled toilets. Not all disabled people are in wheelchairs and want the sink low, in fact after my hip surgery I needed the sink not to be low as I could not bend far, but needed the rails and raised seat of a disabled toilet. Some disabled toilets are far too small for the needs of some disabled people who may need a carer to come in with them as well as space for a wheelchair or walker. A lot of disabled toilets also seem to lack a mirror which assumes disabled people do not care what they look like, which is wrong, disabled people are just as likely to want to check their make up or hair as everyone else.

People who say ‘you’re doing so well considering’ or call disabled people brave. They are very patronising things to say.  How do you know I am doing well? For all you know I am having a really bad day and on a good day you would not even notice I was disabled. How is it brave that I left the house and got on with my life? What am I supposed to do sit at home and rot? I cannot live my life not disabled so I just get on with it the best that I can.

Being accused of being a benefit scrounger. This is the big one that all disabled people hate. The media often make it seem like an awful lot more people are scamming the benefits system than actually are. The vast majority on benefits are on them legally with a good reason. Most people would not choose to be on benefits if they could help it. Having to prove yourself as ill and jump through the hoops they require to get them would put most cheats off. Being on benefits does not make me lazy or pathetic. You should never judge someone for being on benefits or any kind of welfare without knowing the full facts.

Disabled people are on the whole sensible and understand that sometimes some of these things cannot be helped under certain circumstances. What we ask for is to not let these things be issues when they do not have to be. A bit of common sense and respect is all disabled people want. Disabled people can be an active part of society, if society lets them.

My Perthes Hip Story

This is what I can remember of my Perthes hip journey.  I may have missed some things out and got some of the exact dates and ages wrong, but it gives a good idea of what I have been through with my hip.

  • I was diagnosed with Legg Calve Perthes disease in my left hip aged seven in 1993. I was referred to an orthopedic specialist who used x-rays to diagnose me.  I was told to reduce heavy impact activity on the hip.  I was never very much into sports anyway, so did not mind having to give up things like PE in school.  However I was disappointed to have to leave my ballet classes that I really enjoyed.  I remember my mum pushing me to school in a large buggy to save me walking.
  • When I was seven or eight I spent a week in hospital. My left leg was put in traction for the week, meaning it had weights put on the end to pull the hip joint out more in preparation for surgery.  They were going to put me in a broomstick plaster, but when they opened me up for surgery they decided my hip was past the point they could do anything and nothing was done.  I think it was both disappointing and a relief to not have the treatment, as those plasters look very difficult to deal with.  It might have been good to try the treatment, but having heard stories of people who were in them for ages still going on to have hip issues later it sounds like it may not have been much use anyway.  After my hospital stay I used crutches for a number of months, possibly a year or more, and then moved onto a walking stick.
  • I had for a few sessions of physiotherapy. I did the exercises they give me at home some days, but probably quit doing them far too soon and did them too sporadically.  It is not easy to get an eight or nine year old to do daily exercises.  Some days the exercises hurt too much anyway.  My mum took me swimming more often on the advice of the physiotherapist. Swimming is one form of exercise I actually enjoyed as a child.  Swimming is less painful on the hip as the water takes the weight off it.
  • Aged about ten or eleven my hip was less painful for a couple of years or so. I stopped using any walking aid and managed to get about better.
  • My hip got more painful again and I started to use a walking stick aged thirteen. My doctor prescribed me with pain killing tablets that were at a dose not available over the counter.  I go back for more physiotherapy and a few sessions of hydrotherapy.  After the sessions end I do the hydrotherapy exercises at the regular swimming pool for a while, but again probably not often enough.
  • Aged fourteen I got a wheelchair for use on my worst days pain wise. It was not for everyday use and I used it when I had to walk long distances or was in a lot of pain.
  • In my mid to late teens I started to get mild shoulder, neck and back pain. My posture started to suffer due to years of walking badly.  My limp and slightly sideways gait have made my back very slightly curved and my shoulders somewhat rounded.
  • In my early twenties I find out the pain is now due to osteoarthritis brought on at a much earlier age than normal due to the damaged state Perthes left my hip in, which I gather is fairly common in people who had Perthes. I attend a pain clinic at the hospital to try and learn to manage my pain better, but they do not tell me much I did not already know.
  • I saw an orthopaedic surgeon and ask about having a hip replacement, but was told I was too young. I continued to use a walking stick till I was about twenty-one.  I gave up the stick when it no longer helped with the pain.
  • Whilst I was at university aged twenty-four I got a frozen shoulder. It was very painful and made moving my arm and shoulder very difficult.  Physiotherapy helped a lot with ultrasound massage and daily exercises to do at home to help keep the shoulder loose.  I did the exercises every day for several months which seemed to help.  I was told the frozen shoulder was due to my posture issues from my hip.
  • I ended up on crutches aged twenty-four when my hip pain got so bad I could hardly walk sometimes without them.
  • I decided it was time I saw an orthopedic surgeon again whilst I was at university and this meant I could see a different surgeon since I was in another part of the country who might look at my case differently. I ended up being referred to two different surgeons (not sure why).  One surgeon was based at the main county hospital and the other at a specialist orthopaedic hospital.   Both agreed my hip was beyond resurfacing anymore and both agreed they would give me a total hip replacement if I wanted.  However the county hospital surgeon seemed less keen for me to have my hip replaced and tried to talk me out of it,  so I went with the specialist hospital since they seemed to think I really did need it doing and understood why I wanted it so much.  I initially met with the surgeon’s assistant who seemed to actually know something about Perthes and said he would recommend me to his boss straight away as a case for a new hip.
  • I had my total hip replacement on August 3rd 2011 aged twenty-five, a month after completing university. I spent three nights in hospital, one before the surgery and two after. The day after surgery I went to physiotherapy.  I had exercises given to me to do twice daily at home to build up the strength again in my legs.  I was given some equipment such as a very handy grab stick as I was not allowed to bend more than a ninety degree angle for six weeks, a toilet seat raise and a toilet frame to help lower myself on and off the toilet.  They were going to loan me crutches, but I already had my own pair from before.  On day one I used a walking frame to go to the toilet, but from day two I was on crutches.  I used crutches for about three or four months after surgery, and then used one crutch for a while.
  • About six to nine months later I went back to physiotherapy due to muscle soreness around the hip. I was given a new set of exercises to advance me on further with my progress.  I attended a weekly physiotherapy gym for twelve weeks at the hospital.
  • The GP referred me to podiatry as she saw I had flat feet. The podiatrist also said my feet turn out too much when I walk due to years of walking badly with my hip.  This may have contributed to my back and posture issues.  I now have insoles for my shoes with arch support and a heal slope to turn my feet slightly more forwards.  The insoles do make walking slightly more comfortable for me.
  • Just after a year after my surgery I managed a twelve mile sponsored charity walk. Aqua fit classes at my local pool helped me to get fitter and stronger.
  • I started to get mild posture pain again aged twenty-eight. I went back to physiotherapy and got exercises that I now still do daily to keep my back, neck and shoulders from becoming too weak.
  • I also go back to physiotherapy for muscle weakness around the hip as it was causing me pain on and off. I now also do a few leg exercises daily to keep my legs from getting too painful and stiff.

Remember that every Perthes story is different and what works for one person may not work for another.  Some people have more mild cases and totally recover, some go on to have mild pain as an adult, but at a more manageable level and some like me go on to need a total hip replacement.  I feel lucky to have my false hip and love how much more I can now do because of it.  I take pain medication much less frequently and even then at a much lower dose than before.  I am fitter now than I ever remember in my life.  I know one day I will need a hip revision, but I feel it has been more than worth it.

Christmas Lyrics

This is a song for those who are sick of over cheery, sentimental Christmas songs. Sorry not very merry Christmas this song, but it was how I felt at the time of writing it earlier in the month.

I Want Some Christmas Romance

It’s that special time of year

With couples making plans

Buying gifts and holding hands

(Bridge)

I thought that I could take it

But I don’t think that I can

Another year, another Christmas on my own

(Chorus)

I wish that Christmas day would wait

I know I’m running out of time

To find someone to spend it with

Who won’t leave next year

 

I’ve watched too many Christmas films

The Kind you see on daytime TV

They all end romantically

 

I don’t need perfect all the time

But I need something more than this

Can’t you just give me some hope

 

(Bridge)

(chorus)

I want some Christmas romance

Just my share

It’s not fair, not fair

(Chorus)

 

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My Monthly Rant (sorry guys!)

‘Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I must speak.’ In this case about periods or menstrual cycles as they are also known. Periods are something all women experience (bar medical reasons) and when mine started I knew this. However this did not help me to feel any better about them. I know most girls find periods a bit scary or worrying at fist and take time to adjust to them, but I totally hated them. I became afraid of my periods. As someone with OCD the messiness of them did my head in. I struggled with sanitary pads since I always had issues with certain things against my skin, which is an autistic trait I had much more when younger. I briefly tried tampons, but with my bad hip struggled to use them. Then there were the stomach cramps which at times had me doubled over in pain crying. Puberty and hormones are all part of being a teenager, but add in autism and OCD and you get one very messed up person. I hated how periods made me feel mentally each month. In the end the anxiety got so bad my mum took me to see the doctor.

The doctor put me on ‘the pill’ which was life changing. I had more control over when I had a period, so could time it for when I had less stressful things going on. The pill made my periods a bit lighter which made them easier to deal with. My stomach cramps became less frequent and less intense. Gradually I became less afraid of my periods and learnt to cope with them. I am very grateful my mum took me to the doctor and got me on the pill, which I still use to this day.

I got used to sanitary pads in the end. I learned which ones I found most comfortable and worked for my needs. However over the years buying pads has become trickier. They keep coming up with new versions and the choice is now huge. I can spend ages in some shops just staring at the range of pads trying to find the ones I want. I also find a kind I like, and then they change them or stop stocking them. I would rather they kept it simple. I mean who an earth came up with ‘wings’, are my pads supposed to fly?! I think the idea is they are supposed to keep the pad from bunching up so it stays flat, but in my experience they tend to make things worse if anything. Before you even use the wings I find they often stick to themselves. I like the pads without wings, which you can still get, but are becoming increasingly rare. Larger shops tend to still stock then, but smaller shops often do not. Then there are pads with added fragrance, often aloe-Vera, which considering how many women are sensitive in that area seems daft. The fragrance can irritate and make things sore and just how much are other people going to smell a woman’s intimate area anyway? A fairly new one is ‘discreet’ pads. Supposedly rustle free wrapping for use in public toilets (although they don’t seem all that rustle free to me). However as a woman in woman’s toilets I do not mind if I hear other women unwrapping pads, it is hardly unexpected or offensive. Besides I hardly ever notice the noise from other cubicles anyway and it was a non issue for me.

Some sanitary pads seem ludicrously expensive, I will admit I do not use the cheapest brands, they feel plastic like and often do not stick down well, but the mid price range seem fine to me. Although sometimes you have to use what you can get in an emergency. Recently I saw an article online about tax on sanitary wear, often known as ‘the tampon tax’. It is wrong to tax sanitary wear when other items deemed essential are not taxed or at least have reduced tax. Although one woman was quoted as spending at least £10 a month on her sanitary wear which is far more than I have ever paid. I do realise how lucky I am to have cotton soft pads now. My mum told me about sanitary belts which sound very uncomfortable and tedious. They were an elastic belt used to hold pads in place before the invention of self-adhesive pads.

Is it just me or are adverts for sanitary products really daft? I do not do most of the things the women in the adverts do even during the rest of the month when I am not on my period. I have a really good sanitary product now so I can do anything, no, it does not make me super woman. Then there are the adverts trying to sell my pads almost as if they were a fashion product with pretty floral designer pattern on them, err why? I don’t care if you draw floral patterns on the pads or not, what I want to know is do they stick well and do they absorb well?!

I am now fine with my periods mostly. This may sound daft, but I am actually quite proud of myself for overcoming this issue. I am glad I live in a more open time when periods can be discussed more than they used to be and sex education in schools is getting better. I found the talk the school nurse gave us in year seven (aged eleven/ twelve) somewhat helpful. However I do think some girls need more support in learning to cope with periods, especially special needs girls with learning difficulties or anxiety related conditions or autism. Girls need help with the emotional side of periods as well as the practical physical side. I am very glad my mum never hid periods from me and I always knew they were something to expect. It must be terrifying to get one without knowing what it is, which I gather used to happen more than it does now.

Before anyone male complains I know boys also have puberty and hormonal issues, especially as teenagers, but not being male I have nothing I can say on this, other than I think they also need good sex education in school and probably more emotional support than they often get.

Lyrical

When I am struggling with emotions and feelings writing helps me sometimes.  I find writing lyrics can be helpful, especially when confused or heartbroken or sad.  It can help me to get my anger or sadness out in a safe way.   It helps me to explore my feelings towards someone or something.  I cannot go and yell at the guy in person in a lot of cases, so this helps.

I enjoy writing in various song styles and genres.  A lot of the time my songs end up coming out in ‘Goth emo’ style, but not always.  I am a huge The Rasmus fan, which is what a lot of my songs end up being a bit like, but some also turn out more like Train or other things.  I wish I could write music and put the tunes down on paper, although I do not actually think the tunes I have in my head are very good most of the time anyway.  Someone else can write the tunes one day if they wish.

I write lyrics for myself about very personal things, they are not written to be taken seriously as hit songs; they are just to help me.  I thought I would share a few of my songs though just to help explain myself a bit better to people and also I love to share what I have been writing whatever type of thing it is.

A lot of my songs are about love and relationships, like most songs seem to be.  These next ones are about my last long term relationship ending.

Silence of the Ghost

You don’t have a master plan

If you wake up tomorrow

You think you’ve won the game

You don’t see a future

You’re living day to day

 

I need something solid

That I can build upon

But you have no foundation

You’re crumbling to the ground

‘Cause you’re afraid of life

 

(Chorus)

So now you’ve gone and ghosted me

And just left me with memories

What am I supposed to do?

I have no way to get through to you

 

You don’t even know

What you’ve left behind

Do you know how much you hurt me?

Do you even care?

Or are you lost inside your mind?

 

(Bridge)

You’re a ghost and you haunt me

Bet you think you set me free

But you’re a ghost and you haunt me

(Chorus)

That’s what scares me most

It’s the silence of the ghost

It’s the silence of the ghost

 

Dreams/ Reality

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

But you don’t see

See the bigger picture

See the picture of me

Standing right before you

But you don’t see

 

I’m not what you need

You need someone who is ripped at the seams

Someone who has no dreams

But baby that’s not me

I want to have a life

Maybe be someone’s wife

 

There’s a difference between dreams and reality

This is something I’m learning

But I refuse to give up on my dreams

So I’m giving up on you

Then maybe I will see a new reality

 

Thief

You said all the things that I wanted to here

That I’m loved and you’ll keep me near

Was it truth, was it lies?

Was it part of your plan?

As you committed your crime

 

(Chorus)

You became a thief of the night

You stole my life

My heart, my soul are in your possession now

When you walked away

You took everything I need

I am no longer me

 

I can’t ask for them back

Since you went on the run

I can’t ask for the truth

You’re in hiding now

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

 

I would say let the punishment fit the crime

But I think you’re already broken inside

Just like you did to me

Now I’m broken too

Since you committed your crime

(Chorus)

 

This next song is about when you are finally starting to move on from a painful break up.  It is much more hard rock than the other and the words in capitals are supposed to be almost shouted.

Break Down

I came back today

Back from time away

But it weren’t no holiday

It was a mental break

DOWN!

 

Although I never left my own bed

I wasn’t there inside my head

I was going out my mind

Thoughts were dragging me

DOWN!

 

I have no one to blame

I drive myself insane

Living inside the pain

The pain that come from having known

YOU!

 

Today I finally felt OK

I woke up and got out of bed

Decided to get out of my head

Now I’m living just for me

FUCK YOU!

 

This song has parts about several men I have met along the way, but is mostly about one specific person.

 

Over You

You told me you needed someone

But after you had your fun

You said you’re too broken inside

To take any-more

Well I’ve been broken since the day I was born

I’m totally twisted and torn

But that don’t mean I want to be alone

So don’t you dare use that excuse

 

Why can’t you just tell me the truth?

(Chorus)

 

I know I’m supposed to hate you

But you know I don’t

If I did it would make it easier

For me to move on

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

 

I think I knew from the start

But I’m slightly insane

So I played along with your game

Hoping to make it real

 

It still hit me like a hammer when you left

I should have seen it coming

But it’s hard when you want it so bad

Now I feel like the guilty one

But that really should be you

(Chorus)

 

There’s a deep emotion I get when I think of you

I both hate it and love it

But I’m not ready to be over you

Not over you quite yet

(Chorus)

 

This song has nothing to do with love and is about my mental health, partly my OCD.

 

My Darkest Sin

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It comes from within

I try to fight it

But I have to give in

So I end up committing my darkest sin

 

(Chorus)

Sin, sin, sin, what do I win

When I commit my darkest sin

I win silence from the voices inside my head

I win back the silence of the night

The silence of the night

 

There’s a confusion surrounds me

I don’t know what is right

I try to be part of this world

But it’s always a battle

Against my own sin

 

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

I am only human

I will often fail

I can’t live up to what is always expected from me

 

There’s a darkness surrounds me

It’s dragging me down

(chorus)

 

This song was written when I was feeling very low and lonely.

The Lie

You gotta’ try, try, try everyday

Even though you want to die, die, die in so many ways

You got to pretend that you are OK

Don’t let them see your vulnerability

Or they’ll take advantage one of these days

 

(Chorus)

I feel numb, numb, numb, nothing inside

There’s a void inside where the love should be

I try to fill it, but it feels an impossibility

I can’t seem to find what I need

I come close, but it’s not meant to be

 

You gotta’ lie, lie, lie everyday

That you don’t wanna cry, cry, cry is so many ways

You make out you cope on your own

There’s no way they’d understand at all

 

(Chorus) 

(Bridge)

You ask yourself why, why, why it happened again

You gave it your all, but it wasn’t enough

Still you must try, try, try

 

(Chorus)

 

If others can fake it so can you

But for how long can this go on?

 

 

This last song is about trying to fit in and being true to myself.

Being Me

I have tried everyday

I have tried to be regular, normal

Gave it my best, gave it my all

But eventually I had to fall

They all rejected me

 

(Chorus)

I can’t be something I’m not

So I’m going to give it a shot

At being who I truly am

Without no massive plan

I am being me

 

I have finally found

What I want to be

But I think I left it too late

I’m way past the starting gate

They just locked all the doors to my youth

 

(Chorus)

 

I refuse to give in

I will finally win

I will find a way

To make tomorrow my day

I don’t care what they say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some things I hate

I Hate…

frownie-emoji

OCD, on certain days it really controls me and seems to take over. My worst traits at the moment are often to do with my hair having to be perfectly neat and my bedtime routine. On days when I am really struggling with my OCD I can be afraid to go to bed. OCD nags at me and gets exhausting at times. I am glad not all days are as bad as others.

Being autistic at a confusing level. Being Asperger or high functioning level means that I am more than aware I am autistic, but still seem to have very little control over it, so I just know I mess up a lot. Being aware of my faults, but unable to do much about them is very frustrating.

When I clearly have said something wrong and upset someone, but am not quite sure what I said that was wrong. Knowing me I spoke my mind too freely, said too much or I have been told I can come across as somewhat self centred, but I never mean to. Then if you ask someone what you did wrong not knowing sometimes makes you appear even more self centred.

My anxiety issues with people I care about. I worry too much if they are happy or content when with me and sometimes ask if they are OK too many times, till they get annoyed with me. When alone I can annoy myself by worrying if they miss me as much as I miss them or is it a relief for them to have a break from me? I am often unsure of the right balance between giving someone space and showing I care.

My mind in one of its frequent over thinking states when I am alone. I end up getting emotional or anxious, over dramatising things in my head. I can work myself up into a sad or angry state.

How tired I feel a lot of the time. Day time naps no longer seem to help as much as they used to. Often I feel drained or lethargic. Is it my OCD and anxiety that cause it?

People who say things like ‘you’ve done so well considering’ or ‘you’re so brave’ or give you that look as if to say ‘ah bless the special needs person’. I know they mean well, but it is patronising. How do they know that actually for me I am having a bad day and on a good day I can actually pass them by unnoticed and do not come across as special needs at all.

How messed up my posture is from my hip issue. Years of limping and using walking aids such as crutches have left me with shoulder, neck and back problems. They can really hurt at times. My spine now has a slight curve and I am often rounded at the shoulders. On bad days it can cause me to walk somewhat wrong and give me pain in my feet. I hate knowing that as I age this might get worse and I could be one of those bent over old people you see that can hardly stand upright. I do exercises most days that were given to me by physiotherapy, they do not take long and do help somewhat with the pain, but they will never cure it and are tedious to do when I am not in the right mood.

People who say getting a job is easy if I really wanted one. They do not know how hard I tried to get paying work. They should try it with autism, mental health issues, benefit money issues and living in a small seaside town.

Depression days that are so crippling now and then I can not even dress and leave my flat. These are the days when my mental health issues win. I let people down, spend too much time alone and then end up annoyed with myself. I am too low to fully function and my OCD too bad to dress fully.

I am not saying things are always this bad, but during bad phases these are the things that get me down. I think writing them down and sharing them with others helps me feel less anxious about them somewhat.